"Then Andrew brought Simon to meet Jesus. Looking intently at Simon, Jesus said,"Your name is Simon son of John-but you will be called Cephas (which means Peter)."
-John 1:42 NLT
I love Peter! He is probably known as much, if not more, for his failures than he is for his successes. I identify with Peter in that way. If I were to write a book about my life and I divided it in two sections (section one being my failures and section two being my successes), I have often thought section one would be thicker than section two.
Andrew brought his brother Simon to Jesus. Isn't that awesome? Andrew met Jesus and after that meeting his first thought was his brother. He wanted his brother to meet Jesus too. We meet Jesus and that's what happens, we want others to meet him too, especially those close to us.
Jesus......"looking intently at Simon".....that phrase got me to thinking about some things:
a. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and know his every thought.
b. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and see his life from beginning to end.
c. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and see the blackness or light in his heart and soul.
Looking at Peter, Jesus saw every impulsive moment, heard every awkward word, knew every act of cowardice and every failure. Jesus saw Peter return to the nets after his death. Jesus could hear Peter's words of denial before they were spoken, he could hear them before they even entered into Peter's mind to speak. Jesus saw Peter bitterly weeping over his lack of faith and his inability to make a stand when he said he would. Jesus saw all of that when he looked "intently at Simon"....yet, he called him to be his disciple anyway. His love for Peter was immediate and eternal. His love was bigger than all of Peter's failures; past, present, and future. Jesus also saw the mighty way Peter would rise up and lead the early church to solid ministry after Jesus' return to glory.
When Jesus looked at my life, He saw beginning to end. He saw all my failures, He saw my battle with alcohol, He saw my failed relationships, He saw my financial struggles, He saw my hopelessness and my guilt.......yet, He called me to be His disciple anyway. His love for me was immediate and eternal. He also saw me coming back home to Him and being in a place where He could use me again. For all that He has seen in me, He has never let go...He has always believed....and He continues on with me in my walk with Him.
Perhaps today you are in that spot where you have just about given up. Your hurts, hang-ups, and habits have a choke hold around your neck and you see no way out. Stand firm and grasp tightly to the hand of Jesus, your deliverance is near. Don't let go and don't give up. Your breakthrough is just around the corner. He sees your life from start to finish...He has it under control....lay it all before Him and let Him do His work in you. The possibilities are limitless.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Coming Home
"So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him."
-Lk. 15:20 NLT
For me, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture. Oh, I have a lot of favorites but this one has very special meaning. I have lived this verse, I have experienced first hand and I know it is so very true. My post today is going to be more revealing and intimate personally than posts prior. Bear with me, it needs telling....
I am a believer who struggles with alcohol. I didn't start out with that struggle but through adverse circumstances, alcohol became a regular part of my life for several years. Rather than choose to turn to the God who loves me and comforts me in difficult times, I chose instead the comfort of a drunken state. Alcohol numbed me to what I thought was the worthlessness of my life. I didn't deserve a father's love because I was a failure. I never reached any goal I had ever set for myself and I could hear the "whispers" of what I thought were criticisms and disgust from friends and family behind my back. I felt useless and just wanted to self-destruct. I thought my life was over. I was just a heart beating in a shell of a man with absolutely no purpose, no future, and no hope. The kicker: I was a child of God.
The more I drank, the more jobs I lost, the more traffic records I acquired, strained relationships, frustrated family members, hurt after hurt after hurt....just an endless cycle of despair, shame, and guilt. I was in the pig pen fighting the hogs for husks to eat. The problem is at the time I didn't see where I was very clearly. I was too proud to admit I needed help, too ashamed to lean on anyone else, and so miserable...that happiness was something I thought would never be experienced in my life....I was a man without hope.
One morning I woke to find myself handcuffed to a metal bench in the psych ward of a Texas panhandle hospital. A counselor was going to determine if I needed to be admitted and forced into rehab. There was something different about him....he was a child of God. I poured my life's story out to him, my dreams, my goals, my hopes, my failures, my shame, my guilt,....to the point that after I finished talking and crying, I felt just empty of all the junk I had been carrying. He told the police to take me home after we prayed together. It was that day I decided to get out of the pig pen and make my journey home.
The journey was very long, it wasn't my last bout with alcohol but I was on the way. There were friends and family along the way who helped and with each step toward home a chain here and there would drop. There were times along the way I would think I couldn't make it, how would I be received when I got there, what about all the debris I created of my life and in the lives of those I hurt...I was still filled with fear but I was still walking toward home. I started reading the word again, going to celebrate recovery meetings, praying, attending church, getting involved in the lives of other hurting people, and I was healing....
Then my Father, who was waiting and watching on the front porch saw me coming and before I could get there....I saw Him running to me. There was no whip in his hand, only arms outstretched....and when He got to me, He took me into His powerful and loving embrace and kissed me.....how powerful the act of forgiveness is and how cleansing! Yes, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture.
I am grateful for a mom and dad who always believed, for brothers and a sister who never stopped praying, for a son and daughter who never gave up on me, and for dear friends who, when I stumbled, helped me get back up. Make no mistake I still struggle, I still stumble but I am home surrounded with a host of help. Praise God.
People often ask me why I get so emotional when I share my story and I always respond: "Because I know the places I've been, the things I've done, and the people I've hurt and He has forgiven me anyway." How great and endless is His mercy! How vast is the sea of His forgiveness! How high and how deep is His compassion!
If you are in the pig pen today fighting for husks to eat, come home.....the calf is fattened, the robe is pressed, the rings are polished and there are a host of people and a loving Father waiting for you. Come home today....
-Lk. 15:20 NLT
For me, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture. Oh, I have a lot of favorites but this one has very special meaning. I have lived this verse, I have experienced first hand and I know it is so very true. My post today is going to be more revealing and intimate personally than posts prior. Bear with me, it needs telling....
I am a believer who struggles with alcohol. I didn't start out with that struggle but through adverse circumstances, alcohol became a regular part of my life for several years. Rather than choose to turn to the God who loves me and comforts me in difficult times, I chose instead the comfort of a drunken state. Alcohol numbed me to what I thought was the worthlessness of my life. I didn't deserve a father's love because I was a failure. I never reached any goal I had ever set for myself and I could hear the "whispers" of what I thought were criticisms and disgust from friends and family behind my back. I felt useless and just wanted to self-destruct. I thought my life was over. I was just a heart beating in a shell of a man with absolutely no purpose, no future, and no hope. The kicker: I was a child of God.
The more I drank, the more jobs I lost, the more traffic records I acquired, strained relationships, frustrated family members, hurt after hurt after hurt....just an endless cycle of despair, shame, and guilt. I was in the pig pen fighting the hogs for husks to eat. The problem is at the time I didn't see where I was very clearly. I was too proud to admit I needed help, too ashamed to lean on anyone else, and so miserable...that happiness was something I thought would never be experienced in my life....I was a man without hope.
One morning I woke to find myself handcuffed to a metal bench in the psych ward of a Texas panhandle hospital. A counselor was going to determine if I needed to be admitted and forced into rehab. There was something different about him....he was a child of God. I poured my life's story out to him, my dreams, my goals, my hopes, my failures, my shame, my guilt,....to the point that after I finished talking and crying, I felt just empty of all the junk I had been carrying. He told the police to take me home after we prayed together. It was that day I decided to get out of the pig pen and make my journey home.
The journey was very long, it wasn't my last bout with alcohol but I was on the way. There were friends and family along the way who helped and with each step toward home a chain here and there would drop. There were times along the way I would think I couldn't make it, how would I be received when I got there, what about all the debris I created of my life and in the lives of those I hurt...I was still filled with fear but I was still walking toward home. I started reading the word again, going to celebrate recovery meetings, praying, attending church, getting involved in the lives of other hurting people, and I was healing....
Then my Father, who was waiting and watching on the front porch saw me coming and before I could get there....I saw Him running to me. There was no whip in his hand, only arms outstretched....and when He got to me, He took me into His powerful and loving embrace and kissed me.....how powerful the act of forgiveness is and how cleansing! Yes, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture.
I am grateful for a mom and dad who always believed, for brothers and a sister who never stopped praying, for a son and daughter who never gave up on me, and for dear friends who, when I stumbled, helped me get back up. Make no mistake I still struggle, I still stumble but I am home surrounded with a host of help. Praise God.
People often ask me why I get so emotional when I share my story and I always respond: "Because I know the places I've been, the things I've done, and the people I've hurt and He has forgiven me anyway." How great and endless is His mercy! How vast is the sea of His forgiveness! How high and how deep is His compassion!
If you are in the pig pen today fighting for husks to eat, come home.....the calf is fattened, the robe is pressed, the rings are polished and there are a host of people and a loving Father waiting for you. Come home today....
Monday, September 14, 2009
A World Without Compassion
In Luke chapter 7, Luke records that as Jesus and his diciples were passing through the village of Nain, they came upon a funeral procession. A boy had died, the only son of a poor widow. Luke writes that when Jesus saw this....."his heart overflowed with compassion". He looked at the woman and said,"Don't cry."; then walked over and raised the boy from the dead and returned him to his mother. -Lk. 7:11-15
I walk out the door of my apartment every day and there are many whom I greet before even getting to my car. Very seldom do I think in ways of compassion toward them. Jesus' compassion for others was a driving force of his ministry. I am so caught in what I have to do, I fail to think of how God might use me to compassionately minister even to the stranger next door. Isn't it sad that I would have to use...."stranger" and "next door" in the same sentence?
We all were built, formed, with a need to be loved and to love, a need to relate to others. Can you imagine for a moment if our world was void of compassion? Who would man our hospitals, who would forge a path to feed the hungry, or house the homeless? Who would fight for those who are simply helpless to help themselves?
What would a lack of compassion be like in your corner of the world? No one to care for you when you were sick, to comfort you when you were grieving, to encourage you when you were down? How sad it would be to live in such a world.
God made us to relate to others just as he made us to relate to him. It is necessary for our well being. It goes against the nature of our need when we choose to go it alone. When we go against that grain we are people most miserable. We are most alive when we care for others and we act on that concern. Being involved in the lives of others is one primary reason our lives have purpose and meaning.
Many in my life I love dearly, many that I love I have failed......for years living as if I was the only one who existed. But praise God regardless of the past, every day can be a new beginning. I am praying and asking him for the gift of a compassionate heart....so filled that when I see a person in need, that compassion overflows out of me just as it did out of Jesus.
How is it with you? Need to pray that same prayer? Know anyone around you that needs to be shown some compassion. For us in recovery, expressing compassion to others is a powerful weapon against the selfishness we often fight. I support you in making your world a world filled with compassion.
I walk out the door of my apartment every day and there are many whom I greet before even getting to my car. Very seldom do I think in ways of compassion toward them. Jesus' compassion for others was a driving force of his ministry. I am so caught in what I have to do, I fail to think of how God might use me to compassionately minister even to the stranger next door. Isn't it sad that I would have to use...."stranger" and "next door" in the same sentence?
We all were built, formed, with a need to be loved and to love, a need to relate to others. Can you imagine for a moment if our world was void of compassion? Who would man our hospitals, who would forge a path to feed the hungry, or house the homeless? Who would fight for those who are simply helpless to help themselves?
What would a lack of compassion be like in your corner of the world? No one to care for you when you were sick, to comfort you when you were grieving, to encourage you when you were down? How sad it would be to live in such a world.
God made us to relate to others just as he made us to relate to him. It is necessary for our well being. It goes against the nature of our need when we choose to go it alone. When we go against that grain we are people most miserable. We are most alive when we care for others and we act on that concern. Being involved in the lives of others is one primary reason our lives have purpose and meaning.
Many in my life I love dearly, many that I love I have failed......for years living as if I was the only one who existed. But praise God regardless of the past, every day can be a new beginning. I am praying and asking him for the gift of a compassionate heart....so filled that when I see a person in need, that compassion overflows out of me just as it did out of Jesus.
How is it with you? Need to pray that same prayer? Know anyone around you that needs to be shown some compassion. For us in recovery, expressing compassion to others is a powerful weapon against the selfishness we often fight. I support you in making your world a world filled with compassion.
Friday, September 4, 2009
My Heart Condition
I have a heart condition. It was diagnosed almost immediately at birth and I have lived with it for all my 50 years of life. Sometimes it has affected me so strongly that it has been crippling. The results of the pain created by this condition has been unbearable at times. There have been times when I saw no hope for healing and as a result suffered from severe depression and discouragement.
This heart condition has affected those around me as well. Family and friends at times have been at a loss as to what to do for me. They feel the sting of my pain simply because they love me, yet; all they can do is watch silently and sadly. They know they are helpless in helping me.
I am in need of a miracle. In fact a miracle and nothing shy of a miracle is my only hope. Where do I go? The Mayo Clinic? No, but I do need a physician, someone who understands my condition much better than I ever could. Where do I find such a Dr.? Where do I find this Great Specialist?
The heart condition I speak of is first of all spiritual. If it was physical, believe me, I would spare no expense in finding the best specialist to address my physical need. When I became aware of my spiritual heart condition at the age of 17 I turned to the ONLY Specialist who could help.....Jesus Christ. Inviting him into my live changed my heart, when he became saviour and lord.....my want to's changed. My self -destructive attitudes transformed into attitudes toward others.
I still am in need of his constant care. I have to call on him all the time and it seems I constantly go to him for check-ups. I still have a tendency to fall down, to self-destruct, to do the wrong thing. But it's ok, because this weakness I live with keeps me in constant contact with my Dr. and I am getting to know him better and better all the time. I like that. I realize that if I could do it all myself I never would have gotten to know this wonderful Physician, I would never had known my condition and my need for him.
According to the Bible, you, like me, have a heart condition....why not give your heart to the only Dr. who can help. Give your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ today. The first and most important step of recovery.
"Then Jesus called to the crowd to come and hear, 'All of you listen,' he said, 'and try to understand. It's not what goes into your body that defiles you, you are defiled by what comes out of your heart'.........for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within, they are what defile you."
-Mk. 7:14,15,20-23 NLT
This heart condition has affected those around me as well. Family and friends at times have been at a loss as to what to do for me. They feel the sting of my pain simply because they love me, yet; all they can do is watch silently and sadly. They know they are helpless in helping me.
I am in need of a miracle. In fact a miracle and nothing shy of a miracle is my only hope. Where do I go? The Mayo Clinic? No, but I do need a physician, someone who understands my condition much better than I ever could. Where do I find such a Dr.? Where do I find this Great Specialist?
The heart condition I speak of is first of all spiritual. If it was physical, believe me, I would spare no expense in finding the best specialist to address my physical need. When I became aware of my spiritual heart condition at the age of 17 I turned to the ONLY Specialist who could help.....Jesus Christ. Inviting him into my live changed my heart, when he became saviour and lord.....my want to's changed. My self -destructive attitudes transformed into attitudes toward others.
I still am in need of his constant care. I have to call on him all the time and it seems I constantly go to him for check-ups. I still have a tendency to fall down, to self-destruct, to do the wrong thing. But it's ok, because this weakness I live with keeps me in constant contact with my Dr. and I am getting to know him better and better all the time. I like that. I realize that if I could do it all myself I never would have gotten to know this wonderful Physician, I would never had known my condition and my need for him.
According to the Bible, you, like me, have a heart condition....why not give your heart to the only Dr. who can help. Give your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ today. The first and most important step of recovery.
"Then Jesus called to the crowd to come and hear, 'All of you listen,' he said, 'and try to understand. It's not what goes into your body that defiles you, you are defiled by what comes out of your heart'.........for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within, they are what defile you."
-Mk. 7:14,15,20-23 NLT
Saturday, August 29, 2009
We All Fall Down
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble......three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecc. 4:9,10,12b NLT
I am a fallen man with a fallen nature. I have a natural tendency to do the wrong things. A holy lifestyle for me almost has to be planned out in my Daytimer or I will forget who I am and end up where I don't want to be. This is especially true when I try to go it alone. When I get to thinking I've got the bull by the horns and I am good and not in need of anyone....I am one dangerous slip away from getting gored by the bull I have hold of.
At the darkest times of my life, when I was in my most hopeless state.... I realize looking back that I was alone. I wasn't alone because I had friends who didn't care. I wasn't alone because I had family who didn't care. I was alone by choice...."bravely" going it alone. Whatever my reasons for not getting help: pride, shame, embarassment; I lived in the shadows and darkness of my pain...... alone.
I am learning how debilitating it is to go it alone....God never intended it that way. I praise God for His constant presence in my life, whether I am in the darkness of my habit or in the light of His love.....He is always with me.
I cried out for help this week, I was struggling and I wasn't in a good place.....I turned to a friend, as difficult as that was; I knew I couldn't deal with my struggle alone. I praise God for friends and family who have willingly reached into the dirt of my life in effort to see me cleansed and whole. And as I write I weep with gratitude. I am thankful for a God who loves me no matter what and who is always present. I have a long way to go. I still fall down. Other than our Lord Jesus, show me someone who doesn't fall down.Thank God for those who are there to help us up when we do.
Two are better than one...there is always that one to encourage you. If you are alone and discouraged who's going to help you along? You gonna encourage yourself? Usually that doesn't work because you end up talking to yourself and when others see that, they think you're crazy.... ok..... a little humor....but the point is made.
How is it with you? Still "bravely" going it alone? This world seems to admire those who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. But, honestly, the truly brave thing is to open up to a friend or family member who knows you, loves you, and will do what is necessary to help you. And by the way.....all those "self-made" people out there.....have hurts, hang-ups, and habits they need recovery from as well. Come out of the shadows and face your giants in the open and know you don't have to do it alone.
I am a fallen man with a fallen nature. I have a natural tendency to do the wrong things. A holy lifestyle for me almost has to be planned out in my Daytimer or I will forget who I am and end up where I don't want to be. This is especially true when I try to go it alone. When I get to thinking I've got the bull by the horns and I am good and not in need of anyone....I am one dangerous slip away from getting gored by the bull I have hold of.
At the darkest times of my life, when I was in my most hopeless state.... I realize looking back that I was alone. I wasn't alone because I had friends who didn't care. I wasn't alone because I had family who didn't care. I was alone by choice...."bravely" going it alone. Whatever my reasons for not getting help: pride, shame, embarassment; I lived in the shadows and darkness of my pain...... alone.
I am learning how debilitating it is to go it alone....God never intended it that way. I praise God for His constant presence in my life, whether I am in the darkness of my habit or in the light of His love.....He is always with me.
I cried out for help this week, I was struggling and I wasn't in a good place.....I turned to a friend, as difficult as that was; I knew I couldn't deal with my struggle alone. I praise God for friends and family who have willingly reached into the dirt of my life in effort to see me cleansed and whole. And as I write I weep with gratitude. I am thankful for a God who loves me no matter what and who is always present. I have a long way to go. I still fall down. Other than our Lord Jesus, show me someone who doesn't fall down.Thank God for those who are there to help us up when we do.
Two are better than one...there is always that one to encourage you. If you are alone and discouraged who's going to help you along? You gonna encourage yourself? Usually that doesn't work because you end up talking to yourself and when others see that, they think you're crazy.... ok..... a little humor....but the point is made.
How is it with you? Still "bravely" going it alone? This world seems to admire those who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. But, honestly, the truly brave thing is to open up to a friend or family member who knows you, loves you, and will do what is necessary to help you. And by the way.....all those "self-made" people out there.....have hurts, hang-ups, and habits they need recovery from as well. Come out of the shadows and face your giants in the open and know you don't have to do it alone.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Atrocity of Appearances
"Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness." -Matt. 23:28 NLT
We live in a day where appearances are everything. We spend hundreds, even thousands annually in keeping our washboard abs, our french nails, and "20-something" looking skin well into our 50's. The right hairstyle, smile, handshake, and suit does more to close a business deal today than the business plan itself. Meet a group of people for the first time and after you leave they will probably talk about how you looked more than anything else.
Matthew 23:28 finds Jesus in the middle of a sharp discourse of reprimand toward the religious leaders of his day. He cried out against their need for attention and honor. He called them righteous looking hypocrites...and he did so over and over.
You can almost see the disgust on his face and hear the comtempt in his voice. He was pointing out the atrocity of appearances....he was pointing out that these "religious" leaders were missing the point altogether....and leading others astray with them.
Look in our churches today, most are filled with what look like righteous people. I wonder though how some of those "righteous" people fair behind the closed doors of their homes after church.....Does neglected Dad retire to the bedroom with a bottle of vodka (his only true friend) to watch a ball game alone? Does self-centered Mom rush to the mall after lunch to grab those shoes she's just got to have?....has to have them so bad in fact she uses grocery money to acquire them.....and what of unloved teenage Sam? Does he sneek to his room to view the latest porn downloads?.....
Oh my.....time for evening services,.. already?! Back to church, back to looking like righteous people......Everywhere you go you will find people who hurt;... they need help, they need mercy, they need hope....some of them sit next to you in church and look like righteous people.....
Why does Jesus cry out against appearances?....Because he knows appearances kill those for whom he died. It is no different today...
We live in a day where appearances are everything. We spend hundreds, even thousands annually in keeping our washboard abs, our french nails, and "20-something" looking skin well into our 50's. The right hairstyle, smile, handshake, and suit does more to close a business deal today than the business plan itself. Meet a group of people for the first time and after you leave they will probably talk about how you looked more than anything else.
Matthew 23:28 finds Jesus in the middle of a sharp discourse of reprimand toward the religious leaders of his day. He cried out against their need for attention and honor. He called them righteous looking hypocrites...and he did so over and over.
You can almost see the disgust on his face and hear the comtempt in his voice. He was pointing out the atrocity of appearances....he was pointing out that these "religious" leaders were missing the point altogether....and leading others astray with them.
Look in our churches today, most are filled with what look like righteous people. I wonder though how some of those "righteous" people fair behind the closed doors of their homes after church.....Does neglected Dad retire to the bedroom with a bottle of vodka (his only true friend) to watch a ball game alone? Does self-centered Mom rush to the mall after lunch to grab those shoes she's just got to have?....has to have them so bad in fact she uses grocery money to acquire them.....and what of unloved teenage Sam? Does he sneek to his room to view the latest porn downloads?.....
Oh my.....time for evening services,.. already?! Back to church, back to looking like righteous people......Everywhere you go you will find people who hurt;... they need help, they need mercy, they need hope....some of them sit next to you in church and look like righteous people.....
Why does Jesus cry out against appearances?....Because he knows appearances kill those for whom he died. It is no different today...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Do You Really Hear Me?
I cry out for help - none is offered.
I beg for peace - I feel only turmoil.
I desire to be clean - I see only dirt.
I want deliverance - I hear the chains rattle.
How did I get here? Wasn't my life blessed, charmed? Wasn't I the one most likely to succeed? Wasn't I the one everyone wanted to be?
Failure, disappointment, hurt, addiction, betrayal, loneliness, torment, faithlessness....are all words and experiences interwoven into the fabric of my life. It seems I'll never again know what it means to be happy, joyful. It appears that the remainder of my life is destined to be littered with losses.
I am encouraged to turn my life and will over to One who is constantly present. At times He seems to be deaf to my cries for help and callous to my tears. God do You really hear me? God, do You truly desire better for me than what I have settled for? Can you save me from this pit I have fallen in?
I hear of those who have courageously praised Him and trusted Him even in the pit. I desire a faith like that. Some need a tough love, others a tough faith....I am in need of both.
Regardless, I will NOT QUIT, I will not run. He is my only hope. I will trust whether He hears or not! I have nowhere else to go....
Written when my faith was as thin as a frayed piece of thread and about as strong.....God is faithful and ever present no matter what our situation and no matter whether we think He hears or not. Keep fighting, keep hoping, keep trusting, and keep praising....the storm makes you stronger and for all your experiences, good or bad, God never wastes them.....Rom.8:28
I beg for peace - I feel only turmoil.
I desire to be clean - I see only dirt.
I want deliverance - I hear the chains rattle.
How did I get here? Wasn't my life blessed, charmed? Wasn't I the one most likely to succeed? Wasn't I the one everyone wanted to be?
Failure, disappointment, hurt, addiction, betrayal, loneliness, torment, faithlessness....are all words and experiences interwoven into the fabric of my life. It seems I'll never again know what it means to be happy, joyful. It appears that the remainder of my life is destined to be littered with losses.
I am encouraged to turn my life and will over to One who is constantly present. At times He seems to be deaf to my cries for help and callous to my tears. God do You really hear me? God, do You truly desire better for me than what I have settled for? Can you save me from this pit I have fallen in?
I hear of those who have courageously praised Him and trusted Him even in the pit. I desire a faith like that. Some need a tough love, others a tough faith....I am in need of both.
Regardless, I will NOT QUIT, I will not run. He is my only hope. I will trust whether He hears or not! I have nowhere else to go....
Written when my faith was as thin as a frayed piece of thread and about as strong.....God is faithful and ever present no matter what our situation and no matter whether we think He hears or not. Keep fighting, keep hoping, keep trusting, and keep praising....the storm makes you stronger and for all your experiences, good or bad, God never wastes them.....Rom.8:28
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