3:45am

I wish I could say that when I woke up God had such an epiphany for me it would change the lives of millions. The truth is I woke up with scratchy eyes that are bloodshot simply because I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep. So...I'm up. There are many in my circle who would say,"Stupid, go back to sleep!".....I can't.

As I was showering I was thinking about a few things. In the shower I am either thinking about a few things or singing....this early in the morning I dared not sing lest neighbors think a drunk cat was outside their door! My "meows" are so slurred this early in the morning! So I left my brain on and my voice on pause.

I was thinking about size. The bigness and the smallness of things.....did I spell those two things right? Oh well....it's my blog....guess I can spell anything any way I want. Wow, that was a selfless statement! I was thinking about the size of God compared to the size of me. Man! I am so little!! Yet, so arrogant, I think I am so big!

And that's the thing....the parts of me that should be small are big. The things that cause me to stumble and fall are so HUGE! And the qualities that allow me to go outside myself to be a blessing to others are so small! Why does it seem to be all about me, me, me?! Why do I feel put upon to be involved in another life, to give of myself so another may be helped? What is it in me that causes me to feel that others are an interruption to me? Do you see the me, me, me here?

Sometimes I think I am more comfortable with stumbling and falling, getting back up, asking for forgiveness so I can stumble and fall again. I am sure I am unique.....NOT! We all have that tendency I think. We are comfortable with being one of God's "pet" projects....want to know why....we get all his attention....we are even selfish in that! And no one has worse problems than our own! Start telling me your life and I will tell you something in my own that is worse. You can't out miserable my misery!

I have lived long enough to be a disappointment to everyone I love the most. Sometimes I feel I wear that like a medal on my chest. Why? Because I want attention....sick as it may sound....that's what I want. If I can't get it by being good, I'll get it by being bad. But attention is what I want. Man! I need a support group!!.....and more!

In thinking about God's bigness....he looks beyond my selfishness, my need for attention and looks at the wonder of me....he made me...and he makes no mistakes. I am no mistake even though there are times I feel that way. He works his will to perform it in my life...he never gives up and never lets go of me. He is patient with me and with you. His compassion's and mercy are renewed toward us every day. Something to take advantage of? No! Something to be grateful for! That is the bigness of God....seeing in me something I don't see in myself. Seeing in me something worth redeeming, worth giving his only son for. And he did all that!

God is huge! I want him to live big in me....in spite of my failings....I want him to live big in me. I am small....maybe that epiphany is not so bad when put in the proper perspective.

Those of you who have this bigness and smallness thing down...please contact me and show me how to do it right. In the meantime, I will stumble and fall and get back up again and hope with each incident, I will allow God to live bigger in and through me than I did before.

From The Message:
"But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit." -Psalm 86:15

Blessings!

P.S. It's 3:45am for crying out loud.....allow me a few random thoughts this early in the morning!