As I approached a busy intersection in the city, I could see him holding a sign. I knew what he was doing and I thought, "Oh brother, another one!" I hoped, even prayed, that the light would stay green so I could punch on through without so much as even having to look at him. It was not to be....
His sign read, " Unemployed, Family of 5, 1 an infant, God Bless". The red light and the car in front stopped me directly parallel to this man. I looked at him, he at me. His eyes spoke of desperation, his cheeks were hollow and sunken in, his clothes were dirty, he looked much older than I'm sure he was. It was obvious to me he was suffering from the pains, uncertainties, and ravages of life. He was the representation of so many like him in our city. I couldn't take my eyes off his despair.
In an instant I heard the lyrics to Matthew West's song, "My Own Little World", play in my head...and I heard a still small voice say, "Give". The light stayed red it seemed for hours as I wrestled with the thought of giving to this man or going on by. Reluctantly, I pulled out my wallet, pulled out some money, hit the down switch on my window, and handed him what was in my hand. He looked at me and smiled and said, "Thank you, I pray you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving." I couldn't fight back tears as I responded," You too. The Lord bless you."
The man driving the BMW in the lane next to me saw the exchange. He looked at me with eyes and a smirk that seemed to say, "You Sucker!" Perhaps I was. I had no idea the man in the intersection's motives; I don't know his heart. Was he just a panhandler living off welfare and making an extra buck standing in the intersection holding a sign? Was he deceitfully feeding off the generosity and sympathy of others? I don't have answers to such questions.
I do know this.....for the first time in a long time, I felt something that has been absent in my life for awhile.....compassion for another. For some reason, this man drew compassion out of me. I've driven by so many like him never entertaining the thought of giving anything. If I had a thought at all, it was probably a thought of judgment or disgust....but certainly not compassion. This compassion for him was so overwhelming, in that moment, I wept as I helped him. I woke up this morning with him and his family on my mind and again prayed for him. How can this be; to feel that strongly for someone I probably won't see again this side of heaven?
As the light remained endlessly red, several thoughts ran through my mind. I realized first and foremost how much I have and how much I have to be thankful for. While I am currently unemployed, there is enough financially coming in I make ends meet without having to ask for the help of others. I have never been late with a bill, I have never gone without a meal. There is always enough to get by. Yet, how often have I truly thanked God for that? Usually, I go to him wanting more and asking for more without appreciating what I already have.
I think we tend to be creatures of "always wanting more". We could punch through the envelope of our discontent to true happiness if we could clothe our bodies with wardrobes bought from Dillards or Macys instead of Wal-Mart or Target; if we could buy our food from gourmet grocery stores instead of rummaging through canned goods at Dollar General; if we could drive a late model car that doesn't have a cracked windshield and bald tires....if we just had an extra $5,000.00 in our checking account what a wonderful world it would be!
"Me-ism" is an affliction with me. I am an addict in recovery. While I have been sober for awhile, it is this affliction of "me-ism" that got me there in the first place. There is not an illness more selfish and inward than addiction...it doesn't matter what the addiction is....it is all about "me". It is a self-pitying, self-hating, self-destructive, isolating, and life-taking disease. I know this to be true from my own journey to recovery and from hearing the stories of others in recovery.
No, "me-ism" doesn't lead everyone to the bottle or to a needle or to pornographic websites or even to the casino. "Me-ism" in and of itself is an addiction. It robs us of helping others in need; it robs us of the blessing of pouring ourselves into the lives of others, enriching both ours and theirs; mostly, it robs us of a deeper relationship and closeness with God and his blessing. It leads us down a lonely pathetic path that only gorges our already growing discontent and dissatisfaction with life. It leaves us miserable, unsympathetic, cynical, hard-hearted, cold people. It eats us up from the inside out. It cripples our ability to live outside the prison of self; that prison that is dark, damp, and stagnant......and it just smells bad.
The man in the intersection I think ministered to me more than I did him. Because of him, I was reminded of the myriad of things for which to be thankful. Bear with me as I list a few.....
I'm sober today. For that I am truly thankful. I no longer have the desire to check in to "Blackout Hotel" when my little world doesn't rotate on its axis the way I think it should. I have many in my life today that have overcome their addictions who pour encouragement and hope into my life. Every day it is my habit to thank God for my sobriety and to ask his help to stay that way. I think this is a good habit.
My parents. They have both seen and endured me at my worst. They have never spoken anything but a firm belief that God is bigger than my addiction. They have poured into my life faith and hope and encouragement. Their very lives minister to mine and I draw strength from that. I adore my Dad and Mom!
My mother has MDS, a blood disorder. I don't know all the in's and out's of this disease, I simply know it is draining her of life. In her bed she still ministers to me; she ministers to all her family. Her life and witness of Christ is still impacting so many lives around her. Whether by phone or by sitting on her bed, holding her hand, and talking face to face.....she always speaks hope and love in her Lord. Her faith and my Dad's faith continue to teach me that life is about others.
My brothers and sister. They have stood by me. I know sometimes maybe bewildered, angry, frustrated, and feeling helpless to do anything to help me; yet, they have never given up or stopped praying and certainly haven't stopped loving. They minister to me in ways I can't express. I thank God for them. Their love and affirmation of me encourages me to continue to walk the path of sobriety.
My son and daughter. They continue to be a crown of joy upon my head. Because of my "me-ism", they too have suffered. I am grateful for their love. I am thankful that God is drawing us close again and making all things new between us. When I feel low and my head hangs, just the thought of them and the blessing they are to me lifts me again. They both show me what a life looks like when it's consumed and on fire with the love of Christ. I am so thankful to God for my children!
The one I love and my best friend. She has seen me at my worst as well. She has loved me through it and loves me deeper still. She has poured into my life countless whispers of, "I believe in you and so does God." She sees through my "me-ism" and cuts me no slack when I try to go there. She is relentless in her belief that I am more than the mess I made in my addiction. She reminds me that God feels the same way. I thank God for her, upon every thought of her!
My nieces. All a blessing to my life. I love them dearly. They have taken me as I am, warts and all, and loved me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and have stood by me with no intention of walking away. These girls breathe hope into my life and so much joy. I thank God for them!
My true friends. Two in particular, one that is close by and one that lives on eastern standard time. They know me from way back. They always pray for and encourage me. They love me as is. Never from either one of them has come a word of condemnation or judgment. The Bible says a true friend will stick closer than a brother....they have and they still do. I am thankful to God for them!
My God. When he said he would never leave me or forsake me, he meant it. Regardless of how far I have fallen or walked away, his grace and mercy and compassion has been there to meet me. Whether drunk or sober, beaten up by life or euphorically blissful; he has allowed me to crawl onto his lap and has never refused to wrap his arms around me. Sometimes when I can't hear him speak, his embrace and love speak volumes. He doesn't give up on me, he doesn't quit on me; in spite of the fact that I have done that very thing to him on several occasions in my life. I praise God for being in my life! He gave all that I might have a relationship with him and his presence encourages me to press forward toward doing his will in my life. I often question what that is for me; but one thing I know, it is his will for me to remain sober and for me to be available to help others like me get sober and stay that way. I am thankful for his unfailing love and his undying determination to see his best for me lived out in and through my life. Again, I praise God!!
The man in the intersection. You helped me get in touch again with what is truly important in life..... helping others. God has designs for each of us individually to be sure; but one reason we are here is to glorify him, and one way we do that is by helping others. You, my nameless friend, enabled me to see that again. The greatest deterrent, in fact, to the addiction of "me-ism" is helping others. Because of you, that spark of compassion I had yesterday and acted upon has grown a little more. I desire that it continue to grow. I will never forget you. I thank God for you!
We are days away from Thanksgiving. I fear this is often an overlooked observance that has been relegated down to football, overeating, and for some...a day off work. Sometimes I feel Thanksgiving passes by mostly unnoticed as we rush toward Black Friday sales and march toward the REAL holiday of the year....Christmas. My Thanksgiving is different this year. I don't want to miss a moment of it. God has blessed me with so much. Oh, I will enjoy the football, fellowship, and food like anyone else.....but this year, I want to reflect upon and express vocally to the ones I love and quietly to God how truly thankful I am for them.......
I'd like to start with the man in the intersection.....Happy Thanksgiving to all!
