When South is North and North is South

I haven't visited or written on this blog in awhile. In fact it's been so long I had forgotten my password and had to reset it. Truthfully, there hasn't been anything inside to write. While gifted writers are able to birth a story out of pure imagination, I tend to stay with saying what I am inspired to say, what is in my heart to say. I have been wandering in a desert for a few months, thirsty for just a drop of inspiration.

It isn't that I have not been living life or reading or studying or storing information in the files of my brain, it's just I have been devoid of anything to say. Maybe some would diagnose a case of writer's block here. Perhaps that diagnosis contains a bit of truth, but it isn't all the truth.

I have examined my life in the past months and I haven't enjoyed the view much. While many my age can reflect on a jet plane ride of accomplishments, be it in business, or with family or church; my reflection on life resembles more a train wreck with damaged boxcars and twisted rails. While some have known from day one their destiny and have successfully followed it with a true north compass, I have lived in a world where south is north and north is south. The path I started was straight, then the road started to twist and turn, then it became a maze of confusion, heartbreak, disaster, bad decisions, hurt, and disappointments......a land where true north couldn't be pinpointed at all.

I work for an oilfield service company. Part of my job is delivering parts and tools to mechanics out in the field who ensure all the equipment necessary to do what we do is properly maintained and in good repair. A shut-down due to mechanical failure, even for a few hours, could literally cost our company millions of dollars. So in a sense I have an important job.

One night I was called to go to the field with tools mechanics needed to repair a piece of equipment. That particular piece of equipment was so crucial to the whole ensemble the job had to be temporarily shut down. Everyone from the top of the organizational flow chart down was screaming at me to get the tools there immediately. We were going into deficit spending by the minute. The location was only 20 minutes away.

It was dark, it was raining; raining so hard in fact the rain hitting the windshield sounded like tiny bits of hail. I had to pull off the road a couple of times because visibility was zero. In that torrent I got directions mixed up and when I should've turned south at one point, I turned north instead. For the next hour and a half I tried to drive to our field location with dismal failure. I was trying to navigate correctly in all the wrong directions. As sincere as I was in getting where I so desperately needed to be, it wasn't going to happen. That experience describes my life for the past 12 years or so.

See.....the fact is I am an addict, alcohol in specific. The moment I picked up a bottle is the moment I set my God-given compass down. I walked away from the vastness of His wide open country of grace and exchanged it for a small 6'x6' prison cell of pure hell. The worst of it? It also created a hell for the ones I love and hold dear. I don't care how you argue, addiction is never a private matter; and my "delicate condition" has wreaked havoc in the lives of many over the years. I have been reflecting on that life the past several months, and it hasn't been pretty. You might say, emotionally, it's been a difficult few months.

I have written rather candidly about my addiction on this blog. That was the purpose for creating this site in the first place. I know there may be many AA'ers out there who would cringe but the story must be told. It has always been my prayer that my experiences in addiction may help another addict find their true God-given compass again....so I write. No matter how far I get away from that last day I took a drink, I will always be an addict. No matter how far away I get from that last day I took a drink, there will be family and friends and former employers and only God knows who else who will see me as nothing more than an addict. No matter how I may succeed in life from that last day I took a drink, for many the only thing they will recognize is that I am an addict. I think the reason is mostly because the darkness of addiction permanently burns a brand in memory that can never be erased. It does damage to the psyche and the emotions that are difficult if not impossible to ever let go of. And an "I'm sorry", no matter how sincere, from me is not enough to heal it or remove it. There are many in my past who probably think of me and say, "Thanks for the memories", but not in the Bob Hope kind of way.

I think of my children here in particular. As I have suffered, so they have suffered and perhaps they have suffered more. A dad not present at crucial times in their lives, a dad not respondent, a dad who's word became untrustworthy, a dad who became a different man altogether because of alcohol, than the dad they knew when they were younger. Children have a tendency to absorb things as their fault when their surroundings fall apart even when it isn't. There are alot of children in this world today who shoulder the burden of that kind of hurt.

They are grown now, both following their true God-given compass. For that I am grateful. I am proud of them so much I get beside myself. I praise my God that because of His faithful love toward them, He has shielded them from so much more they could've been exposed to because of my drinking. I know because of life they will experience hurt, it just comes....some of the hurt they have experienced already is because of me....and it has taken a long, long time to come to terms with that.

You may be asking,"Where's the hope?!" I am pleased to say there is indeed hope. Were there not, I wouldn't be sharing this. Because of God's great love for us, even in our hopelessness, we are not hopeless. My journey back to sobriety started with the simple admission that I had a problem I couldn't fix in and of myself and I needed help. I was truly powerless to fix me. It is one of the steps in the twelve step program and a vital one. From there, I started going to meetings to hear others like me tell their stories of addiction and their sobriety. I got on the path of "one day at a time". I have been on that path for awhile now. I have no intention of veering to the left or the right. It may be difficult for one who doesn't have to live on that path to understand it but for me, it makes perfect sense. It isn't a forced journey I have to walk but one I want to travel....each step leads me to more freedom and hope.

I know there are some who have gotten sober without God, I personally know several who make that claim. I don't see how they did it. God bless them for their success. I couldn't. I was so beaten down and buried with a sense of failure and disappointment I needed the love of God to help me up. At one point, the only kind word I could find for me was in His Word. I would've have given up life to hear a kind word from another. Where some told me I was washed up and worthless, God told me in His Word that I was loved so much He was willing to make great sacrifice on my behalf so I could fellowship with Him. Where some shunned my friendship and didn't want me around, God invited me to His house to dine with Him. He fed me and filled me.

In His grace I fell into the arms of His endless love for me all over again....and I started that journey away from my last drink.....I haven't to this day looked back other than to be reminded and grateful I don't have to live in the clutches of addiction anymore. And I don't.

So what do I do now? Keep walking away from that last drink. Use God's Word as the source of my true compass, study it, live by it. Surround myself with people who have fallen, gotten back up, and overcome. Pray like life depended on it (for me it does). Work on damaged relationships by being present, sober, and available.....the best apology I can make to anyone, especially my precious children, is living a day at a time on a path that takes me further away from my last drink. Some will forgive completely, some will hold me at arms length, and some will continue to see me as nothing more than an addict. Today I can live with all of that and here's the reason......God sees me as His child through the shed blood of His Son....and I am totally His child. If the whole world quit on me...He never will. He sees me as much more than the things I've done and His forgiveness is never partial. If my focus is to be a good son to Him, (and I can't even do that apart from His grace), then I will be a better earthly father, husband, son, brother, friend, and employee.

The path I travel is one of hope. That path leads me back to the spacious place of His grace. Yes, I am addicted...today....it is to His matchless grace. For that I will ever be grateful. If you read this today and you struggle with any kind of addiction or hurt, my prayer is you will turn it to God through His perfect Son, Jesus Christ.

"I will rejoice and be glad in Your faithful love because You have seen my affliction. You have known the troubles of my life and have not handed me over to the enemy. You have set my feet in a spacious place." -Ps. 31:7,8 HCSB

Difficult Places

It's been awhile since you've heard from me. I have been dealing....dealing with difficult places. The greatest therapy for me is writing, and that's the one thing I haven't done in some three months now. It's funny to me how the one thing we need most in a given situation is also the one thing we shy away from. More than writing, I need a sense of the ever present reality of God in my life. In the last three months I can honestly say that He hasn't left, He has sustained, He has encouraged, He has comforted, and He has opened doors that, for the longest time, seemed to be shut. For all of that I praise His holy name!!

The most difficult place in my life of late was the passing of my mother. She entered into God's presence on Dec. 8, 2010. She lived a life that was beautiful, full of the grace of God. She shared that grace with everyone she touched and she touched thousands. I had the privilege of watching this woman live life to the fullest. She always put God first, others second, and herself last. She encouraged her children and grandchildren to live the same. A stranger to no one, accepting of everyone, and always speaking a word of encouragement and life to others; that's how she lived.

I was determined to write something to pay honor and tribute to her life. I have stopped and started so many times I have literally lost count of how many attempts have been made. I got stuck every time. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to write about. The influence and impact she made on my life alone would fill the pages of a book, let alone an article on this feeble little blog of mine. I just would be overcome with grief, exactly the kind you experience when you lose someone whom you love so much and upon whom you depended to always be there for you. The tears would flow and I would have to walk away realizing that no matter what I wrote of my mother it would never do justice to all that she was to me. Discouraging in a very real sense....in some ways I thought I was letting her down after her death by being unable to express my love for her; in the same way I had let her down so many times while she was still here.

I'm not given much to over analyzing any dream I might dream. Most of the time, if I can even remember a dream the next morning, I smile and pass it off as the result of something I ate the night before. Not too long ago I had a dream about mom. It was vivid enough that I remember every nuance and detail. I was sitting on the loveseat in her den, she in her chair surrounded by the books she was reading....it was her 'spot'. She asked me why I wasn't writing. I told her I was trying to put together something to pay tribute and honor to her and found it difficult to finish. I told her I didn't think I could write about anything else until I finished that article. I thought I couldn't nail the last nail on the coffin of my grief until I did. I told her I felt paralyzed to move forward.

She looked at me and smiled, with her comforting, understanding, gracious, motherly smile, and said, "Son, honor me by writing what God has put in your heart to write. Encourage others who struggle like you with addictions and hurts that keep them from being God's best. You are overcoming; share honestly and openly how God's grace is helping you do that. Not only will that honor me, more importantly, it will honor God." I woke up and for a couple of weeks now I have been processing my dream. I think it was the result of something more than what I ate the night before. Whatever it was and wherever it came from; the result is clear....it's time to move forward. So I write, I am out of practice and this article may not mean anything to anyone who reads, but for me it is getting 'back on the saddle' and moving on, moving forward.

My life bears the scars of grace. Those scars were, at one point, open wounds that came as a direct result of the consequences of my addiction. So much shame and guilt, so beaten down, so many people hurt, so many jobs lost, so many bridges burned....all the result of addiction. I lost complete hope that my life would ever be any better than my addiction....it was a monster inside me, an idol I bowed to every day....it had taken me captive, put me in its prison, and threw away the key.....and worse, it laughed at me as it walked away looking for its next victim.....but....God.....in His relentless love of me, released grace. I found forgiveness, I found strength, I rediscovered hope....in His wonderful grace. My scars are reminders that there is no fall to far His grace can't reach..when I hit bottom it was His grace that caught me....when I strayed from Him, walked away from Him; His grace paced the porch, awaiting my arrival back. When I turned to Him and reached up....He reached down, picked me up, held me tight, and whispered in my ear words of hope. He set me free in His grace.

Not only have I been set free by His grace, I am defined by His grace. Alcohol addiction is not who I am....I am His child through His grace imparted to me when I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Even in the pit of addiction, that never changed. However, when you are drowning in a pit of any kind, such realities are quickly diluted. Nonetheless, I remained His child in that pit and He never left me while I lived there. I am thankful my occupancy was temporary.

So....how is it with you? Alcohol may not be your addiction; for that I praise God....I wouldn't wish that even on someone I may not like so much!! But...maybe you struggle with gambling, pornography, other addictive drugs, unresolved anger, a rebellious spirit, sex; perhaps you are addicted to pleasing others so much you don't know the real you anymore. Whatever your addiction, your 'ism', your hurt, your habit....whatever it is that hinders you from freedom in your Lord....the solution is a rediscovery of the power of God's grace.

In articles ahead, my prayer is that I may, through my journey in the country of God's grace, impart an encouraging word to you that will spark hope and a resolve to join me in this grand adventure. Please know I haven't overcome all....I am still overcoming....but today I am overcoming! I have confidence where I mis-step....God's grace will catch me. I praise God those mis-steps aren't so frequent.

My mother was a giver of God's grace to others. I pray I may be rich in the giving of the same. May that be your prayer as well. Blessings!

"But by God's grace I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not ineffective" -Apostle Paul -I Cor. 15:10 HCSB

Lyrics to a song I used to sing many years ago have very special meaning to me today...maybe they will you too:

"Through It All" -Andrae Crouch

I've had many tears and sorrows, I've had questions for tomorrow,
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation, God gave me blessed consolation, that my trials come to only make me strong.

I've been alot of places, and I've seen millions of faces,
Yet there've been times I felt so all alone.
But in those lonely hours, yes, those precious lonely hours...Jesus let me know that I was His own.

So I thank Him for the mountains, and I thank Him for the valleys,
And I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through...
For if I'd never had a problem, I'd never know my God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in His Word could do....that's the reason I sing that....

Through it all, Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God
Through it all, oh, Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word.