Difficult Places

It's been awhile since you've heard from me. I have been dealing....dealing with difficult places. The greatest therapy for me is writing, and that's the one thing I haven't done in some three months now. It's funny to me how the one thing we need most in a given situation is also the one thing we shy away from. More than writing, I need a sense of the ever present reality of God in my life. In the last three months I can honestly say that He hasn't left, He has sustained, He has encouraged, He has comforted, and He has opened doors that, for the longest time, seemed to be shut. For all of that I praise His holy name!!

The most difficult place in my life of late was the passing of my mother. She entered into God's presence on Dec. 8, 2010. She lived a life that was beautiful, full of the grace of God. She shared that grace with everyone she touched and she touched thousands. I had the privilege of watching this woman live life to the fullest. She always put God first, others second, and herself last. She encouraged her children and grandchildren to live the same. A stranger to no one, accepting of everyone, and always speaking a word of encouragement and life to others; that's how she lived.

I was determined to write something to pay honor and tribute to her life. I have stopped and started so many times I have literally lost count of how many attempts have been made. I got stuck every time. It wasn't that there wasn't anything to write about. The influence and impact she made on my life alone would fill the pages of a book, let alone an article on this feeble little blog of mine. I just would be overcome with grief, exactly the kind you experience when you lose someone whom you love so much and upon whom you depended to always be there for you. The tears would flow and I would have to walk away realizing that no matter what I wrote of my mother it would never do justice to all that she was to me. Discouraging in a very real sense....in some ways I thought I was letting her down after her death by being unable to express my love for her; in the same way I had let her down so many times while she was still here.

I'm not given much to over analyzing any dream I might dream. Most of the time, if I can even remember a dream the next morning, I smile and pass it off as the result of something I ate the night before. Not too long ago I had a dream about mom. It was vivid enough that I remember every nuance and detail. I was sitting on the loveseat in her den, she in her chair surrounded by the books she was reading....it was her 'spot'. She asked me why I wasn't writing. I told her I was trying to put together something to pay tribute and honor to her and found it difficult to finish. I told her I didn't think I could write about anything else until I finished that article. I thought I couldn't nail the last nail on the coffin of my grief until I did. I told her I felt paralyzed to move forward.

She looked at me and smiled, with her comforting, understanding, gracious, motherly smile, and said, "Son, honor me by writing what God has put in your heart to write. Encourage others who struggle like you with addictions and hurts that keep them from being God's best. You are overcoming; share honestly and openly how God's grace is helping you do that. Not only will that honor me, more importantly, it will honor God." I woke up and for a couple of weeks now I have been processing my dream. I think it was the result of something more than what I ate the night before. Whatever it was and wherever it came from; the result is clear....it's time to move forward. So I write, I am out of practice and this article may not mean anything to anyone who reads, but for me it is getting 'back on the saddle' and moving on, moving forward.

My life bears the scars of grace. Those scars were, at one point, open wounds that came as a direct result of the consequences of my addiction. So much shame and guilt, so beaten down, so many people hurt, so many jobs lost, so many bridges burned....all the result of addiction. I lost complete hope that my life would ever be any better than my addiction....it was a monster inside me, an idol I bowed to every day....it had taken me captive, put me in its prison, and threw away the key.....and worse, it laughed at me as it walked away looking for its next victim.....but....God.....in His relentless love of me, released grace. I found forgiveness, I found strength, I rediscovered hope....in His wonderful grace. My scars are reminders that there is no fall to far His grace can't reach..when I hit bottom it was His grace that caught me....when I strayed from Him, walked away from Him; His grace paced the porch, awaiting my arrival back. When I turned to Him and reached up....He reached down, picked me up, held me tight, and whispered in my ear words of hope. He set me free in His grace.

Not only have I been set free by His grace, I am defined by His grace. Alcohol addiction is not who I am....I am His child through His grace imparted to me when I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Even in the pit of addiction, that never changed. However, when you are drowning in a pit of any kind, such realities are quickly diluted. Nonetheless, I remained His child in that pit and He never left me while I lived there. I am thankful my occupancy was temporary.

So....how is it with you? Alcohol may not be your addiction; for that I praise God....I wouldn't wish that even on someone I may not like so much!! But...maybe you struggle with gambling, pornography, other addictive drugs, unresolved anger, a rebellious spirit, sex; perhaps you are addicted to pleasing others so much you don't know the real you anymore. Whatever your addiction, your 'ism', your hurt, your habit....whatever it is that hinders you from freedom in your Lord....the solution is a rediscovery of the power of God's grace.

In articles ahead, my prayer is that I may, through my journey in the country of God's grace, impart an encouraging word to you that will spark hope and a resolve to join me in this grand adventure. Please know I haven't overcome all....I am still overcoming....but today I am overcoming! I have confidence where I mis-step....God's grace will catch me. I praise God those mis-steps aren't so frequent.

My mother was a giver of God's grace to others. I pray I may be rich in the giving of the same. May that be your prayer as well. Blessings!

"But by God's grace I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not ineffective" -Apostle Paul -I Cor. 15:10 HCSB

Lyrics to a song I used to sing many years ago have very special meaning to me today...maybe they will you too:

"Through It All" -Andrae Crouch

I've had many tears and sorrows, I've had questions for tomorrow,
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong.
But in every situation, God gave me blessed consolation, that my trials come to only make me strong.

I've been alot of places, and I've seen millions of faces,
Yet there've been times I felt so all alone.
But in those lonely hours, yes, those precious lonely hours...Jesus let me know that I was His own.

So I thank Him for the mountains, and I thank Him for the valleys,
And I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through...
For if I'd never had a problem, I'd never know my God could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in His Word could do....that's the reason I sing that....

Through it all, Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God
Through it all, oh, Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word.