When South is North and North is South

I haven't visited or written on this blog in awhile. In fact it's been so long I had forgotten my password and had to reset it. Truthfully, there hasn't been anything inside to write. While gifted writers are able to birth a story out of pure imagination, I tend to stay with saying what I am inspired to say, what is in my heart to say. I have been wandering in a desert for a few months, thirsty for just a drop of inspiration.

It isn't that I have not been living life or reading or studying or storing information in the files of my brain, it's just I have been devoid of anything to say. Maybe some would diagnose a case of writer's block here. Perhaps that diagnosis contains a bit of truth, but it isn't all the truth.

I have examined my life in the past months and I haven't enjoyed the view much. While many my age can reflect on a jet plane ride of accomplishments, be it in business, or with family or church; my reflection on life resembles more a train wreck with damaged boxcars and twisted rails. While some have known from day one their destiny and have successfully followed it with a true north compass, I have lived in a world where south is north and north is south. The path I started was straight, then the road started to twist and turn, then it became a maze of confusion, heartbreak, disaster, bad decisions, hurt, and disappointments......a land where true north couldn't be pinpointed at all.

I work for an oilfield service company. Part of my job is delivering parts and tools to mechanics out in the field who ensure all the equipment necessary to do what we do is properly maintained and in good repair. A shut-down due to mechanical failure, even for a few hours, could literally cost our company millions of dollars. So in a sense I have an important job.

One night I was called to go to the field with tools mechanics needed to repair a piece of equipment. That particular piece of equipment was so crucial to the whole ensemble the job had to be temporarily shut down. Everyone from the top of the organizational flow chart down was screaming at me to get the tools there immediately. We were going into deficit spending by the minute. The location was only 20 minutes away.

It was dark, it was raining; raining so hard in fact the rain hitting the windshield sounded like tiny bits of hail. I had to pull off the road a couple of times because visibility was zero. In that torrent I got directions mixed up and when I should've turned south at one point, I turned north instead. For the next hour and a half I tried to drive to our field location with dismal failure. I was trying to navigate correctly in all the wrong directions. As sincere as I was in getting where I so desperately needed to be, it wasn't going to happen. That experience describes my life for the past 12 years or so.

See.....the fact is I am an addict, alcohol in specific. The moment I picked up a bottle is the moment I set my God-given compass down. I walked away from the vastness of His wide open country of grace and exchanged it for a small 6'x6' prison cell of pure hell. The worst of it? It also created a hell for the ones I love and hold dear. I don't care how you argue, addiction is never a private matter; and my "delicate condition" has wreaked havoc in the lives of many over the years. I have been reflecting on that life the past several months, and it hasn't been pretty. You might say, emotionally, it's been a difficult few months.

I have written rather candidly about my addiction on this blog. That was the purpose for creating this site in the first place. I know there may be many AA'ers out there who would cringe but the story must be told. It has always been my prayer that my experiences in addiction may help another addict find their true God-given compass again....so I write. No matter how far I get away from that last day I took a drink, I will always be an addict. No matter how far away I get from that last day I took a drink, there will be family and friends and former employers and only God knows who else who will see me as nothing more than an addict. No matter how I may succeed in life from that last day I took a drink, for many the only thing they will recognize is that I am an addict. I think the reason is mostly because the darkness of addiction permanently burns a brand in memory that can never be erased. It does damage to the psyche and the emotions that are difficult if not impossible to ever let go of. And an "I'm sorry", no matter how sincere, from me is not enough to heal it or remove it. There are many in my past who probably think of me and say, "Thanks for the memories", but not in the Bob Hope kind of way.

I think of my children here in particular. As I have suffered, so they have suffered and perhaps they have suffered more. A dad not present at crucial times in their lives, a dad not respondent, a dad who's word became untrustworthy, a dad who became a different man altogether because of alcohol, than the dad they knew when they were younger. Children have a tendency to absorb things as their fault when their surroundings fall apart even when it isn't. There are alot of children in this world today who shoulder the burden of that kind of hurt.

They are grown now, both following their true God-given compass. For that I am grateful. I am proud of them so much I get beside myself. I praise my God that because of His faithful love toward them, He has shielded them from so much more they could've been exposed to because of my drinking. I know because of life they will experience hurt, it just comes....some of the hurt they have experienced already is because of me....and it has taken a long, long time to come to terms with that.

You may be asking,"Where's the hope?!" I am pleased to say there is indeed hope. Were there not, I wouldn't be sharing this. Because of God's great love for us, even in our hopelessness, we are not hopeless. My journey back to sobriety started with the simple admission that I had a problem I couldn't fix in and of myself and I needed help. I was truly powerless to fix me. It is one of the steps in the twelve step program and a vital one. From there, I started going to meetings to hear others like me tell their stories of addiction and their sobriety. I got on the path of "one day at a time". I have been on that path for awhile now. I have no intention of veering to the left or the right. It may be difficult for one who doesn't have to live on that path to understand it but for me, it makes perfect sense. It isn't a forced journey I have to walk but one I want to travel....each step leads me to more freedom and hope.

I know there are some who have gotten sober without God, I personally know several who make that claim. I don't see how they did it. God bless them for their success. I couldn't. I was so beaten down and buried with a sense of failure and disappointment I needed the love of God to help me up. At one point, the only kind word I could find for me was in His Word. I would've have given up life to hear a kind word from another. Where some told me I was washed up and worthless, God told me in His Word that I was loved so much He was willing to make great sacrifice on my behalf so I could fellowship with Him. Where some shunned my friendship and didn't want me around, God invited me to His house to dine with Him. He fed me and filled me.

In His grace I fell into the arms of His endless love for me all over again....and I started that journey away from my last drink.....I haven't to this day looked back other than to be reminded and grateful I don't have to live in the clutches of addiction anymore. And I don't.

So what do I do now? Keep walking away from that last drink. Use God's Word as the source of my true compass, study it, live by it. Surround myself with people who have fallen, gotten back up, and overcome. Pray like life depended on it (for me it does). Work on damaged relationships by being present, sober, and available.....the best apology I can make to anyone, especially my precious children, is living a day at a time on a path that takes me further away from my last drink. Some will forgive completely, some will hold me at arms length, and some will continue to see me as nothing more than an addict. Today I can live with all of that and here's the reason......God sees me as His child through the shed blood of His Son....and I am totally His child. If the whole world quit on me...He never will. He sees me as much more than the things I've done and His forgiveness is never partial. If my focus is to be a good son to Him, (and I can't even do that apart from His grace), then I will be a better earthly father, husband, son, brother, friend, and employee.

The path I travel is one of hope. That path leads me back to the spacious place of His grace. Yes, I am addicted...today....it is to His matchless grace. For that I will ever be grateful. If you read this today and you struggle with any kind of addiction or hurt, my prayer is you will turn it to God through His perfect Son, Jesus Christ.

"I will rejoice and be glad in Your faithful love because You have seen my affliction. You have known the troubles of my life and have not handed me over to the enemy. You have set my feet in a spacious place." -Ps. 31:7,8 HCSB