Hold Me Jesus

I have always been one resistant to following a checklist of rules. I don't like others telling me how to live my life......(I think the reason I don't like others telling me how to live my life is because most who "help" me could use a little help themselves.) I haven't always gone the way of the crowd and there have been times I have paid dearly for it. There have also been times when going the other way has paid off handsomely. I am not talking money (like most do), but I'm talking about keeping the "me" God created in tact. There are myriad of victories and defeats logged on the pages of my life. Some of them I understand and some I won't ever understand this side of Heaven. But they are there and they have all contributed to making me the "me" I am.

I am not terminally unique though...many reading this can say the same of themselves. I think what I am talking about here is learning to live life in a state of surrender. And I hate the word surrender. Makes me feel I am giving in; conceding to something less than I thought I would live. Makes me feel I am trying to live up to someone else's ideal of how I should live, (God help the poor soul who vocally "helps" me with my life)......and I rebel.

There are probably some in my world who look at me as a bit of a black sheep. "Every family has one", they think. Maybe they are right. Nonetheless, I am here and I am resistant to change and I still hate the word surrender. What is God to do?! Do I make Him so mad His hair hurts?! Am I one step away from being zapped into infinity? Is God looking to "do me in"? I don't think so. Here's why:

I live a life in a transparent bubble...at least as far as God is concerned. The bubble keeps me from ever hiding from God. He sees me perfectly, He knows me perfectly, He acts perfectly in my life. He knows my thoughts before I think them. He knows what I am going to do before I do it. He knows the results after the fact. This really makes resistance futile with God. But still, I do play games with Him like I play games with everyone else.....kind of dumb when you think about it. I should have been a masquerade king. Never been to one of those parties; but could have fit in easily. I can change masks at the snap of a finger. I promise you....no one could ever figure who I am. I am a master at wearing masks. Guess I never have done those parties because for me, they seem boring. .... I have a short attention span and on top of that, it is all about me. I am sure no one else is cursed with that.....you know, being all about you.

With all the mask wearing and all the effort to cover up...I get lost in me and I get lost with others. Sadly, I get lost with God. The last thing I want to do is get lost with God and with those who care about me. But I still have this tendency to isolate and hide from everyone. A surrendered lifestyle is offensive to me. I want to be in control, I want to call my own shots. Yet I know when I allow Him to call the shots, He knows best and all works for the best. So why do I resist so much? Because I am a fighter. Life has trained me to be so and yet; He wants me to surrender. His plan is perfect and giving myself to that is the least path of resistance, but yet, I fight. Hard to let go of control even when you know you are guiding a sinking ship.

How has He dealt with me? With love and patience. I think of my daughter when she was an infant. She had colic. Never understood colic just knew the result. I would hold her in my arms as she writhed in pain and cried and screamed in pain. Tears would roll down my face because I wished it was me in pain and not her.....yet, I held her and that is all I could do.

When I get resistant to God, He does the same.....He holds me as I writhe against the pain I am feeling...even though I don't understand it. I realize He does. That's why He continues to hold me, patiently and lovingly. And I kick and scream and He holds me tight. He understands when no one else could. He doesn't give up when others would.....He just holds me....and I am grateful. What a mess I would truly be if God ever stopped holding me.

Perhaps you feel the same....you are resistant to change, you are a rebel, you don't like others telling you how to live your life....you hate the word: surrender. Let me assure you....He holds you, even when you writhe and wiggle to get loose of His grasp. He never lets go. You are precious to Him, and at your worst.....He holds on tighter.

So "hold me Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf....You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace". (words borrowed from Rich Mullins' Hold Me Jesus)

Loving Brilliantly

I have always loved to color. Something about a book with outlines and a box of 64, or 120, or 9,000 crayons to choose from to make that special picture....priceless!!! OK, I lied about the 9,000 crayons...I don't think Wal-Mart carries those; maybe they don't exist. I am not sure, haven't colored in awhile. But I did color...when I was younger, and I loved it. And younger was like last year or something. Did I tell you I was 51? OK, so for a guy like me you may consider that therapy...maybe it was....I'm not saying.....I still enjoyed it!!

I got to thinking tonight about color. All the hues,.. some light,.. some dark,.. and some in-between. All of them are used to paint a picture; to tell a story. They reflect what we are thinking when we use them to fill in the lines. If we are thinking dark,... we may color a picture of say....Dracula in blacks, charcoals, and greys. If we are thinking light,... we may color a picture of say.....Snow White in bright blues, reds, and yellows....and,... why would we do that if her name is Snow White? Oh well, I think you get the point.

So I am thinking when Jesus was a boy...he had a coloring book. When he wasn't working in the shop with his dad, he would pull this coloring book out. And he would color. He would flip pages, and would stop.... and there would be an outline of... ME on the page. He would look and smile.....and start to color. Never would he use a dull pastel or any shade of grey or charcoal or even black; just color me in brilliant bright hues of color... he does this because he sees his children only in bright color.

These brilliant colors reflect his great love for me and what he knew he was going to for me and through me. He saw me in brilliant colors before he died for me! How does that happen?! Amazing, that's what that is!

My very best friend told me of a man who lived his life in greys, charcoals, and blacks. That was all he knew. He was miserable. He was at the end of his rope, he was hopeless.

Then Jesus came by. He had his coloring book. He flipped through the pages and found the outline of this man. Excitedly, he started rummaging through all the brilliant colors in his crayon box. Carefully he chose them one by one and then started to paint this dark mans' picture. He got so excited he colored outside the lines......and then started to laugh with joy! He flipped the picture over to the man and the man saw what he had never seen before. A NEW HIM!!

That's what Jesus does.....creates a new person with his coloring book and crayons. He never sees greys, charcoals, or blacks.....just brilliant hues of color that require sunglasses to view!!

He has given us a coloring book too...., and crayons. The box doesn't have any greys, charcoals, or blacks....just brilliant hues of color!! He says to us to go color the world with love.... brilliantly!!....enjoy.