I have always been one resistant to following a checklist of rules. I don't like others telling me how to live my life......(I think the reason I don't like others telling me how to live my life is because most who "help" me could use a little help themselves.) I haven't always gone the way of the crowd and there have been times I have paid dearly for it. There have also been times when going the other way has paid off handsomely. I am not talking money (like most do), but I'm talking about keeping the "me" God created in tact. There are myriad of victories and defeats logged on the pages of my life. Some of them I understand and some I won't ever understand this side of Heaven. But they are there and they have all contributed to making me the "me" I am.
I am not terminally unique though...many reading this can say the same of themselves. I think what I am talking about here is learning to live life in a state of surrender. And I hate the word surrender. Makes me feel I am giving in; conceding to something less than I thought I would live. Makes me feel I am trying to live up to someone else's ideal of how I should live, (God help the poor soul who vocally "helps" me with my life)......and I rebel.
There are probably some in my world who look at me as a bit of a black sheep. "Every family has one", they think. Maybe they are right. Nonetheless, I am here and I am resistant to change and I still hate the word surrender. What is God to do?! Do I make Him so mad His hair hurts?! Am I one step away from being zapped into infinity? Is God looking to "do me in"? I don't think so. Here's why:
I live a life in a transparent bubble...at least as far as God is concerned. The bubble keeps me from ever hiding from God. He sees me perfectly, He knows me perfectly, He acts perfectly in my life. He knows my thoughts before I think them. He knows what I am going to do before I do it. He knows the results after the fact. This really makes resistance futile with God. But still, I do play games with Him like I play games with everyone else.....kind of dumb when you think about it. I should have been a masquerade king. Never been to one of those parties; but could have fit in easily. I can change masks at the snap of a finger. I promise you....no one could ever figure who I am. I am a master at wearing masks. Guess I never have done those parties because for me, they seem boring. .... I have a short attention span and on top of that, it is all about me. I am sure no one else is cursed with that.....you know, being all about you.
With all the mask wearing and all the effort to cover up...I get lost in me and I get lost with others. Sadly, I get lost with God. The last thing I want to do is get lost with God and with those who care about me. But I still have this tendency to isolate and hide from everyone. A surrendered lifestyle is offensive to me. I want to be in control, I want to call my own shots. Yet I know when I allow Him to call the shots, He knows best and all works for the best. So why do I resist so much? Because I am a fighter. Life has trained me to be so and yet; He wants me to surrender. His plan is perfect and giving myself to that is the least path of resistance, but yet, I fight. Hard to let go of control even when you know you are guiding a sinking ship.
How has He dealt with me? With love and patience. I think of my daughter when she was an infant. She had colic. Never understood colic just knew the result. I would hold her in my arms as she writhed in pain and cried and screamed in pain. Tears would roll down my face because I wished it was me in pain and not her.....yet, I held her and that is all I could do.
When I get resistant to God, He does the same.....He holds me as I writhe against the pain I am feeling...even though I don't understand it. I realize He does. That's why He continues to hold me, patiently and lovingly. And I kick and scream and He holds me tight. He understands when no one else could. He doesn't give up when others would.....He just holds me....and I am grateful. What a mess I would truly be if God ever stopped holding me.
Perhaps you feel the same....you are resistant to change, you are a rebel, you don't like others telling you how to live your life....you hate the word: surrender. Let me assure you....He holds you, even when you writhe and wiggle to get loose of His grasp. He never lets go. You are precious to Him, and at your worst.....He holds on tighter.
So "hold me Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf....You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace". (words borrowed from Rich Mullins' Hold Me Jesus)
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