Here I Am!

"Suddenly the Lord called out, "Samuel!" "Yes?" Samuel replied. "What is it?" He got up and ran to Eli, "Here I am. Did you call me?" - I Samuel 3: 4,5a NLT

As a young boy, I remember my mother telling me the story of Samuel. He was a special gift to Hannah, his mother,... an answered prayer. Hannah was childless and she bitterly wept before the Lord in His tabernacle over her condition. She made a vow to God that if He blessed her with a son, she would give him back to God for service to Him. God heard her prayer and Samuel was born. Samuel means, "I asked the Lord for him." Mom would then tell of the wonderful and powerful ways God used Samuel to judge Israel for 40 years. He annointed kings and was the voice of God to Israel.

Then she would tell me that when I was born, she and Dad dedicated me to the Lord's service, just in the same way Hannah did Samuel. Oh, they didn't dump me off at the church when I was three and leave me there, which I'm glad because that church building would have been a pretty scary place to live for a three year old!.... but in the same spirit they dedicated me to God's service.They prayed and believed God would use me in ministering to others, in whatever way that translated to reality. No pressure!

In many ways, as I reflect back on my life, I see a sensitivity that kept me close to God, always thinking in terms of helping others, always looking for the spiritual in things, and always seeing God's hand in everything. When I was younger, simple prayers of faith were easy to pray. When I was younger, a trusting zeal for the Lord was constantly present. When I was younger, I readily shared my faith regardless of how I would be received. When I was younger, loving others seemed almost natural and came without much effort. Oh, to have now what I had when I was younger!!

What happened to me? Where did I veer to the left when I should have veered to the right? How did I go from a hot heart for the Lord to a cold heart for the Lord?!....a lukewarm heart for the Lord at best. Life happened, bad decisions made, failed marriages, straying from the Lord repeatedly and returning to the Lord repeatedly. My life had become, it seemed, a piggy bank collection of sins and failures...the scars and wounds of which eventually kept me from feeling even worthy to say, "Here I am" when He called my name. Amazingly, I could still hear Him call my name. What could I offer from the rubble of my life that could possibly encourage another fellow struggler? So for a time I retreated from any kind of service to the Lord.....just went through the motions. I thought all that was left was to count the coins of sin and failure I had collected in my piggy bank. And life would not get any better, so I might as well deal with is as it was and live with it.

For the last month I have been wrestling with this. Hearing His call and arguing that He should call somebody else. How crippling a sense of unworthiness is! There truly is nothing worthy in and of myself to be used of God....to be used by Him. But He calls because of the Jesus in me who has redeemed me completely. He calls because He still has plans and a work for me to do. God just sees me differently than I see myself. He knows I am not the sum total of my sins and failures. They do not define who I am as far as God is concerned. I am defined by the Christ who shed His precious blood for my salvation...and God has vowed to continue to rescue me....from myself among others crippling entities. That's what the word salvation literally means, "to rescue." He has rescued me relentlessly all my life!

This morning I read again the account of little Samuel. Flooding in came memories of my childhood. Memories of a loving father and mother who faithfully prayed over their little boy and who still faithfully pray over their little boy....always believing the very best God has for me. Always seeing the potential in me when I am rock solid in my walk with the Lord. This morning, weeping, I said again to God....at the ripe old age of 51...."Here I Am!"

As we age we live long enough to experience both joy and disappointment, it is as certain as death and taxes. How we deal will determine the level of inner peace we all instinctively seek and desire. I am living testament that peace doesn't exist apart from God. Going my own way may sound brave and it may make for great song writing, but the reality is that path leads to just more crippling disappointment. And it keeps us from having a hot heart for the Lord.

Why write such a confession on this blog? Because I am convinced at least one out there who reads this will identify and relate to it. You have been where I have been. The pathway to Heaven is littered with fallen brothers and sisters who have once said, "Here I am." but now have lost hope. They need to know the relentless grace of God again. They need to know He still calls their name. They need to know they can smash that horrid piggy bank and start fresh regardless their age. We are called by God to help them....who more qualified than one who has been there in the ditch too? It is such a freeing thing to say, "Here I am!"