My Car Got Attacked By a Goose!

I have seen enough Animal Planet shows to know the difference between an animal that can hurt you and an animal that doesn't even notice your presence when you're sharing the same neck of the woods. I have watched Shark Week and know the difference between a great white and a flounder . One can bite your head off with little effort and the other makes a good meal when cooked with just the right spices....ask me later and I will get you a great recipe..... But I am a little taken aback when the "harmless" ones turn violent and into predators.

My car got attacked by a goose! Let me elaborate.....

If you've read any previous posts you know I travel quite a bit. I was in El Reno, OK the other day and discovered El Reno lake. I had never been there before. I had some planning to do so I thought I would do it there and enjoy the scenery. I wasn't disappointed...a pretty little spot. The wind was nil so the lake was very tranquil, not so much as a ripple or wake. There were all kinds of different water fowl flying about and sporadically swooping down for a swim and something to eat. If I were an avid bird watcher, I am sure I would have cataloged (in that special notebook stuffed under the driver seat)... all the varieties of fowl with rabid excitement.

Then THEY came in for a landing.....a gaggle of Canadian geese,..... no,.... I mean a GAGGLE of Canadian geese; 40 to 50 I bet!

I had never seen synchronized anything much, except synchronized swimming on the Olympics and I was never very interested in that. It just always looked like a sport that wasn't really a sport to me..... and how do you judge that stuff anyway?! But on this day I witnessed synchronized flying; they all came down at once and landed in the water at the same time. I witnessed synchronized swimming (gaggle style).....they even shook the water off their tails at the same time and in the same direction. This would have won a gold in the Olympics I am sure. It was amazing. I witnessed an attempt at synchronized fishing but the gaggle was a little off on that.....more practice needed but still impressive all the same. Needless to say I was awed and intrigued at the whole display.

After a brief swim and a little food, they started moving toward shore to get out of the water..... and coming toward my car parked about fifteen feet from the bank. One in the rear must have had a motor tied to its tail because it passed all the others like they weren't swimming at all. It seemed to have a bead toward me! It never moved its head to the left or the right, just stared me down and came at my car!! I noticed too that this goose wasn't as good looking as the others. In fact, it was pretty homely looking....large but homely. This one wasn't like the ugly duckling that transformed into the beautiful and graceful swan. This one was born ugly and stayed that way. Perhaps that was the reason for the nasty disposition. Whatever the real reason for the attitude, it came out of the water emphatically weird and seemingly pissed off. And did I say it already? It was coming at my car!!

This one defiant goose waddled right up to my front tire and proceeded to peck at and bludgeon my hubcap. It wielded its beak like Thor's hammer. You could almost see it gritting its teeth as it pounded away....well, if a goose had teeth you could almost see that. And if it truly had teeth, I am sure there would have been bits and pieces of the rubber of my tire flying everywhere. It would have gnawed at my tire like a crocodile on a water buffalo.

And what would that thing have done to me, particularly my shins, had I not been inside the car? More importantly, had I been outside the car, would it have chased me around? Most importantly, if I had been outside the car and it chased me around, would I have screamed like a little girl? How emasculating would that have been?! The thought of that scenario makes me want to breathe in a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating!

Why was this goose so angry? Rough childhood? Dysfunctional family upbringing? Teased a lot at school? Always given "hand me downs", never bought anything new? Turned down one too many times by the ladies of the gaggle? Not allowed seconds at the dinner table? Full moon? I didn't really know about that one because this traumatizing incident happened in broad daylight. Definitely couldn't have been "little man syndrome" because this honker was huge! This goose most assuredly needed anger management classes and a support group!

What did I do? Absolutely nothing! I just sat there wishing my personal nurse was with me taking my blood pressure and heart rate to ensure my pulmonary muscle wasn't going to explode out of my chest! And as soon as that thought entered and cleared my mind, the pounding quit and it got eerily quiet. I crushed my face as hard as I could against the side window and looked down to see what the waddler was up to. Imagine my relief when all I saw was its rear end waddling away from my car. Had it arms instead of wings, it would have been beating its chest as it left; maybe with a few marine grunts thrown in for emphasis.

I waited until it was well out of view and then proceeded out of the car to assess the destruction. Surprisingly the damage was minimal. The hubcap was covered in goose spit mixed with half eaten berries and pieces of underwater plant life. My hubcap survived the ruthless beating and gave new meaning to the phrase, "Ford Tough"......I drive a Taurus.

So much for tranquil beauty and peaceful planning. I started my quivering vehicle and drove off. It was time to move on anyway.....So tell me.....how was your day?

I usually try to envision some kind of anecdote to go along with what I write and the only thing I can come up with here is: Never park your car near an angry goose.

(This might make acceptable copy if it were word for word totally true, but there may have been an embellishment or two added....however, I have hopes to get it published in Liar's Monthly)