A Day in the Sun

I love spring. It seems the sun shines brighter in spring. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because with spring there is newness of life breathed into the earth. Dead, brown grass begins to wake up after its long winter slumber and becomes green. Maybe the grass thinks the sun shines brighter in spring too...and turning green is its way of saying thank you. Naked trees that lost their clothes of leaves start to bud and new clothes of leaves begin to grow. It must be embarrassing for the trees to be out in front of God and everybody naked all winter. I would be if I had to stand outside all winter naked in front of God and everybody. I wonder if the trees, while their buds are popping through their branches, whisper to the sun and say, "You know, I'd like something in a pastel plaid this season."....or, "Sun, it doesn't matter; outfit me in something new and different! Surprise me!"
Spring is like a "do-over". All the bright and beautiful colors and hues break forth in spring. Most of them carry on through the summer. Nature seems to celebrate the burning warmth of the sun in spring. All the colors that come out is its way of tanning I suppose. I almost envy that because I don't tan well, I just turn a darker shade of white when I attempt tanning. When I tan too long at one time, I go from white to lobster red in a blink. Lobster red is a bad look. My kids tan well. Thank God they got their pigmentation from their mother! Anyway....what was once dead and stripped bare becomes alive with activity and excitement. This resurrection, if you will, in nature affirms the tenacity of life in its fight to overcome death. And overcome it does!
All of humanity comes alive as well. We come out of our homes, condos, and apartments....our cocoons...and take flight in the freedom of warmer days and brighter skies. I don't know of anyone who ever got "cabin fever" in spring. That disease is usually epidemic in the dead and cold of winter. I like to observe how life outside seems to crescendo from us being trapped inside during winter, protected from the cold, sometimes bitterly cold, elements to venturing out on a warmer day to walk, or work in the yard, or play catch with our children, or whatever we do outside. A trickle at first, then days get consistently warmer and longer and more go outside to explore their freedom until it seems no one is inside anymore. That's the beauty of the coming of spring.
Winter on the other hand is just the opposite. It almost seems winter has no heart. It steals away the beauty of changing colors and the Indian summers we enjoy in fall and springs on us with a vengence. It pounces on us like an unseen mountain lion. No matter how we prepare for the harshness of winter, when it comes it is as if we didn't prepare enough. When it hits, it kills everything in sight like a nuclear explosion.
I love snow when its falling. It's beautiful really. I like how it quiets the earth, how it seems to make everything still. But there is an ugly and nasty side to snow that has fallen. We have to plow it away from our sidewalks and driveways so we can maneuver in and through it. We have to clear it from our vehicles so we can travel to work or the local market. Work crews contaminate the roadways with salt and sand in order to melt it away. Snow melts and turns to slush, slush sticks and freezes to our fender wells and builds to the point it rubs against the tires. Regardless of the color of your vehicle, chances are your vehicle endures a layer of brown, salty yuck throughout significant periods of winters' grip.
I survived a blizzard this past season. Drifts as high as the eaves of the roofs of my apartment complex in some places. We were all trapped in our caves for days in the aftermath. Thank God I went to the grocery store just before the onslaught of the storm. That's how winter can be...unpredictable, relentless, vicious, and well....heartless. No respecter of persons or landscape this sometimes wicked and cruel season is.
The contrast of these seasons help me to reflect on my journey in life. I lived a harsh winter when I was in the grip of alcohol abuse. Those were dark, cold nights that went on forever. They were unpredictable...sometimes I would have a few belts and be done, sometimes I got hit with a blizzard of one after another....waking up the next morning wondering what happened the night before and questioning who I hurt during the white-out. There were many I hurt while enduring that season of winter in my life. Those who wanted to help were pushed away. I wanted to be left alone in my cocoon with my bottle....hibernating away from the world around me.....and I felt alone. Nobody really cared, nobody understood.....I floated in an icy river of self-pity and shame. I felt winter had come to stay. I felt I would die in its grip and I felt I deserved nothing more than death. My winter, the hell and cruelty of it, was that there would never ever be any spring and I would never spend a day in the warmth of the sun again. I was buried under an avalanche of hopelessness.
But I didn't die. And while I hurt many, there were still those who never left, never quit believing, and never stopped praying that my winter would turn to spring. At my ugliest, they held on in faith that the God, who they knew was bigger than my drinking affliction, could and would melt away winters' choke hold on my life and resurrect me to a newness of life found only in spring. That transition came through a series of incidents both negative and positive. Painful this transition. Spring didn't suddenly appear for me like it does in the part of the country I live. Where I live it seems there's winter snow on the ground one day and the blooms of spring the next day. Spring comes suddenly here....but not for me. Spring came slowly, in spurts, but it built steam and force with each little burst.
The hardest part was coming to terms with my responsibility for my own winter, admitting I created it and admitting it was my choice to live there. I had spent so much time blaming others and life circumstances for the winter in my life it took awhile for me to realize it was all me, and only me. I think many like me do the same. Who truly thinks it natural to take sole responsibility for the darkness of their self-inflicted winter? That first confession though started the process of spring overcoming my winter. Little by little color started replacing the brown, greys, and blackness in my life. The sun started shining brighter and clouds gave way to bluer skies. A step at a time, a day at a time. With each step and each day came more color. Shame started to give way to respect. Dying fell to the will to live. Hopelessness surrendered to a calm assurance that tomorrow would be different and worth living. Isolation died at the hands of needing others and wanting others around.....until finally I was able to step completely out and enjoy a full day in the life-giving warmth of a spring sun.
"Is it always spring?",you may ask. It isn't. I still fight to keep winter at bay. The difference is I choose to fight and I am doing what I need to make sure I am equipped to fight successfully. Those I hurt during my season of winter? Some have forgiven me completely, some haven't at all, and some sit watching to see if winter will return or if I will live consistently in spring. Regardless, I love them all. For now I will bask in the sun and revel in the colors God has brought back to my life. One aside, I think I enjoy this season of spring, this do-over in my life, after having fought for it and after having taken ownership of the winter I made for myself.
If your season is winter, regardless your addiction, affliction, habit, issue, or hurt....there is a spring for you ahead. It really is your choice what season you live in. Living in a season of spring is so much more satisfying. There are those who haven't left. Even if you feel alone, you're not. Take the "do-over" waiting for you and come with me for a full day in the sun of springtime!