Fear?!

"How fully can you surrender and not be afraid?"-Frank Laubach

To the degree fear sets in determines the degree of surrender to our Lord; yet, isn't partial surrender really no surrender at all? But fear IS the factor...in my life anyway. I want to fully surrender but fear sets in and I pull back...then I wonder...fear of what?....of being used mightily of the Lord?....fear of being selfless?...fear of not being my own man?...fear of a joyful heart, a compassionate heart?.....and then I identify the fear....it is fear of not being in control.
Ah, there's the rub....you see, I want to serve God but I want to serve Him my way. I want to be used of God, but only in the things I want to do...and I truly don't want to be totally selfless because my ego needs to feast on the food of recognition for the things I have done in Jesus' Name.
My fear of losing control hinders complete surrender, at minimum makes it difficult.
That I would learn and choose to live in total abandon of self, that Christ might live big in me is my one great prayer, my one great pursuit.
I have been chasing this my whole life, pressing toward it and it is ever before me...still. So for me it is bite sized portions instead of a full meal and baby steps instead of great strides.
My prayer is reduced to this: Father, help me this day turn complete control of my life over to you. In Jesus'Name.....and perhaps that little prayer is much bigger than it seems...at any rate, I keep pressing on.