I'm No Superman

One of my earliest childhood memories is me in a Superman suit "flying around" saving damsels in distress and the world from impending destruction. I think I may have been around four or five. I may have been twenty-five because I've had so many tell me I never grew up...that may be true....Anyway, I loved pretending to be the "big guy"! And only one who could save the day better than him was me.
To this day I love Superman and wish I had just a touch of his invulnerability. Because the "S" on his chest is also the beginning letter of my last name, I always thought of him as a relative from a distant planet. Believe me if you met some of my relatives you would think they came from a distant planet or two!....so Superman wouldn't be any different....just more sane. I'm sure some of my relatives would fall into the bizarro category.
Superman is the ultimate superhero. Always fighting for truth, justice, and the American way (that's because his rocket ship landed in America, if it landed in say...Korea, would he fight for the Korean way?....just asking). Everything he does is right and with just cause. His motivation is without prejudice, and it isn't tainted by selfish gain. His first thought is others....their well being, their safety, their quality of life. There are no grey areas in his thinking when it comes to decerning right from wrong. I always wondered how he pulled that off. Maybe his thinking is as invulnerable as his strength.
He is a figure that is recognized the world over. A super-icon if you will. And what he represents is known the world over as well. Superman is the ultimate perfect man in a totally imperfect world. The world needs a man like that, a superman if you will.
At age 6, after I jumped off a chicken barn in Arkansas thinking I could fly like Superman, I fell head first into a cow patty below.....at that point, I began to re-think growing up and becoming the next Superman. I discovered, and painfully so, that I couldn't defy gravity. Reality is this.....if you jump off the roof of a chicken barn in Arkansas, the only direction you go is down....all the way to the ground....and that could cover you in cow crap. So with that reality, I also discovered that I wasn't invulnerable...if you cut me with a knife I bleed.
As an adult I know first hand that I am flawed. Invulnerability is not a word you could use to describe me at all. I have so many grey areas in my thinking and lifestyle it is difficult to see any color. I am weak, frail, and proned to stumble when I try to walk the straight and narrow. Sometimes my world crumbles and I crumble with it. I know I can't do life on my own. I need something to give me hope, to keep pressing on, to get up when I fall, to rebuild my world when it falls apart.
Left to myself, I make bad decisions, I rebel against the rules, I go my own way and fall away from the path that brings life. What is it I need? Superman draws his strength from the yellow sun. If he is exposed to his only weakness, kryptonite; all he has to do is fly toward the sun and his strength returns. All I ever got from the sun was a sunburn, so I know that won't work for me.
I need something in my life that doesn't condemn me when I fail. Something that whispers encouragement to get up and keep going when I fall. Something that spares me from what I truly deserve and perhaps lavishes on me what I don't deserve. I know what that something is.....it's called grace. I need grace. All imperfect people need grace. It is the only way as I see it, to get by, to keep going. It is the thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel when I want to quit, when I want to scream,"I'm done!"
The purest grace, the only grace worth experiencing comes from just one source: God. He sent His son, only son, to do for us what we could not ever attempt to do for ourselves....forgive our sin and allow us entrance into the presence of God. It took a divine grace to accomplish that. For God to look on his rebellious creation and love them anyway and then go out of his way to restore relationship with them is grace, it is all of grace. Him giving us what we don't deserve and sparing us from what we do.
I'm no superman. I'm just a guy that tries to get through each day with some sense of purpose and accomplish what I believe I need to do. His grace in me allows for the possibility of doing that. If I stumble, His grace encourages me to keep going. If I succeed, it is because of His grace. It is all Him and none of me. I kind of like it like that....takes the pressure off a little bit.
I pray that this grace I have experienced will spill out of me and onto others around me. I am selfish so I have to be aware of others. But there are others around me who haven't experienced the grace of God I have. They need to know. They need to be shown. The best way for them to discover God's grace for them is to see it demonstrated in me.
How about you? Not feeling like superman? No worries. God has provided something for us normal humans to get by.....His grace. Experienced it? Demonstrated it? Given it away? The only ones who can spread it around are the ones who've got it. Start sharing.....

Hold Me Jesus

I have always been one resistant to following a checklist of rules. I don't like others telling me how to live my life......(I think the reason I don't like others telling me how to live my life is because most who "help" me could use a little help themselves.) I haven't always gone the way of the crowd and there have been times I have paid dearly for it. There have also been times when going the other way has paid off handsomely. I am not talking money (like most do), but I'm talking about keeping the "me" God created in tact. There are myriad of victories and defeats logged on the pages of my life. Some of them I understand and some I won't ever understand this side of Heaven. But they are there and they have all contributed to making me the "me" I am.

I am not terminally unique though...many reading this can say the same of themselves. I think what I am talking about here is learning to live life in a state of surrender. And I hate the word surrender. Makes me feel I am giving in; conceding to something less than I thought I would live. Makes me feel I am trying to live up to someone else's ideal of how I should live, (God help the poor soul who vocally "helps" me with my life)......and I rebel.

There are probably some in my world who look at me as a bit of a black sheep. "Every family has one", they think. Maybe they are right. Nonetheless, I am here and I am resistant to change and I still hate the word surrender. What is God to do?! Do I make Him so mad His hair hurts?! Am I one step away from being zapped into infinity? Is God looking to "do me in"? I don't think so. Here's why:

I live a life in a transparent bubble...at least as far as God is concerned. The bubble keeps me from ever hiding from God. He sees me perfectly, He knows me perfectly, He acts perfectly in my life. He knows my thoughts before I think them. He knows what I am going to do before I do it. He knows the results after the fact. This really makes resistance futile with God. But still, I do play games with Him like I play games with everyone else.....kind of dumb when you think about it. I should have been a masquerade king. Never been to one of those parties; but could have fit in easily. I can change masks at the snap of a finger. I promise you....no one could ever figure who I am. I am a master at wearing masks. Guess I never have done those parties because for me, they seem boring. .... I have a short attention span and on top of that, it is all about me. I am sure no one else is cursed with that.....you know, being all about you.

With all the mask wearing and all the effort to cover up...I get lost in me and I get lost with others. Sadly, I get lost with God. The last thing I want to do is get lost with God and with those who care about me. But I still have this tendency to isolate and hide from everyone. A surrendered lifestyle is offensive to me. I want to be in control, I want to call my own shots. Yet I know when I allow Him to call the shots, He knows best and all works for the best. So why do I resist so much? Because I am a fighter. Life has trained me to be so and yet; He wants me to surrender. His plan is perfect and giving myself to that is the least path of resistance, but yet, I fight. Hard to let go of control even when you know you are guiding a sinking ship.

How has He dealt with me? With love and patience. I think of my daughter when she was an infant. She had colic. Never understood colic just knew the result. I would hold her in my arms as she writhed in pain and cried and screamed in pain. Tears would roll down my face because I wished it was me in pain and not her.....yet, I held her and that is all I could do.

When I get resistant to God, He does the same.....He holds me as I writhe against the pain I am feeling...even though I don't understand it. I realize He does. That's why He continues to hold me, patiently and lovingly. And I kick and scream and He holds me tight. He understands when no one else could. He doesn't give up when others would.....He just holds me....and I am grateful. What a mess I would truly be if God ever stopped holding me.

Perhaps you feel the same....you are resistant to change, you are a rebel, you don't like others telling you how to live your life....you hate the word: surrender. Let me assure you....He holds you, even when you writhe and wiggle to get loose of His grasp. He never lets go. You are precious to Him, and at your worst.....He holds on tighter.

So "hold me Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf....You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace". (words borrowed from Rich Mullins' Hold Me Jesus)

Loving Brilliantly

I have always loved to color. Something about a book with outlines and a box of 64, or 120, or 9,000 crayons to choose from to make that special picture....priceless!!! OK, I lied about the 9,000 crayons...I don't think Wal-Mart carries those; maybe they don't exist. I am not sure, haven't colored in awhile. But I did color...when I was younger, and I loved it. And younger was like last year or something. Did I tell you I was 51? OK, so for a guy like me you may consider that therapy...maybe it was....I'm not saying.....I still enjoyed it!!

I got to thinking tonight about color. All the hues,.. some light,.. some dark,.. and some in-between. All of them are used to paint a picture; to tell a story. They reflect what we are thinking when we use them to fill in the lines. If we are thinking dark,... we may color a picture of say....Dracula in blacks, charcoals, and greys. If we are thinking light,... we may color a picture of say.....Snow White in bright blues, reds, and yellows....and,... why would we do that if her name is Snow White? Oh well, I think you get the point.

So I am thinking when Jesus was a boy...he had a coloring book. When he wasn't working in the shop with his dad, he would pull this coloring book out. And he would color. He would flip pages, and would stop.... and there would be an outline of... ME on the page. He would look and smile.....and start to color. Never would he use a dull pastel or any shade of grey or charcoal or even black; just color me in brilliant bright hues of color... he does this because he sees his children only in bright color.

These brilliant colors reflect his great love for me and what he knew he was going to for me and through me. He saw me in brilliant colors before he died for me! How does that happen?! Amazing, that's what that is!

My very best friend told me of a man who lived his life in greys, charcoals, and blacks. That was all he knew. He was miserable. He was at the end of his rope, he was hopeless.

Then Jesus came by. He had his coloring book. He flipped through the pages and found the outline of this man. Excitedly, he started rummaging through all the brilliant colors in his crayon box. Carefully he chose them one by one and then started to paint this dark mans' picture. He got so excited he colored outside the lines......and then started to laugh with joy! He flipped the picture over to the man and the man saw what he had never seen before. A NEW HIM!!

That's what Jesus does.....creates a new person with his coloring book and crayons. He never sees greys, charcoals, or blacks.....just brilliant hues of color that require sunglasses to view!!

He has given us a coloring book too...., and crayons. The box doesn't have any greys, charcoals, or blacks....just brilliant hues of color!! He says to us to go color the world with love.... brilliantly!!....enjoy.

My Car Got Attacked By a Goose!

I have seen enough Animal Planet shows to know the difference between an animal that can hurt you and an animal that doesn't even notice your presence when you're sharing the same neck of the woods. I have watched Shark Week and know the difference between a great white and a flounder . One can bite your head off with little effort and the other makes a good meal when cooked with just the right spices....ask me later and I will get you a great recipe..... But I am a little taken aback when the "harmless" ones turn violent and into predators.

My car got attacked by a goose! Let me elaborate.....

If you've read any previous posts you know I travel quite a bit. I was in El Reno, OK the other day and discovered El Reno lake. I had never been there before. I had some planning to do so I thought I would do it there and enjoy the scenery. I wasn't disappointed...a pretty little spot. The wind was nil so the lake was very tranquil, not so much as a ripple or wake. There were all kinds of different water fowl flying about and sporadically swooping down for a swim and something to eat. If I were an avid bird watcher, I am sure I would have cataloged (in that special notebook stuffed under the driver seat)... all the varieties of fowl with rabid excitement.

Then THEY came in for a landing.....a gaggle of Canadian geese,..... no,.... I mean a GAGGLE of Canadian geese; 40 to 50 I bet!

I had never seen synchronized anything much, except synchronized swimming on the Olympics and I was never very interested in that. It just always looked like a sport that wasn't really a sport to me..... and how do you judge that stuff anyway?! But on this day I witnessed synchronized flying; they all came down at once and landed in the water at the same time. I witnessed synchronized swimming (gaggle style).....they even shook the water off their tails at the same time and in the same direction. This would have won a gold in the Olympics I am sure. It was amazing. I witnessed an attempt at synchronized fishing but the gaggle was a little off on that.....more practice needed but still impressive all the same. Needless to say I was awed and intrigued at the whole display.

After a brief swim and a little food, they started moving toward shore to get out of the water..... and coming toward my car parked about fifteen feet from the bank. One in the rear must have had a motor tied to its tail because it passed all the others like they weren't swimming at all. It seemed to have a bead toward me! It never moved its head to the left or the right, just stared me down and came at my car!! I noticed too that this goose wasn't as good looking as the others. In fact, it was pretty homely looking....large but homely. This one wasn't like the ugly duckling that transformed into the beautiful and graceful swan. This one was born ugly and stayed that way. Perhaps that was the reason for the nasty disposition. Whatever the real reason for the attitude, it came out of the water emphatically weird and seemingly pissed off. And did I say it already? It was coming at my car!!

This one defiant goose waddled right up to my front tire and proceeded to peck at and bludgeon my hubcap. It wielded its beak like Thor's hammer. You could almost see it gritting its teeth as it pounded away....well, if a goose had teeth you could almost see that. And if it truly had teeth, I am sure there would have been bits and pieces of the rubber of my tire flying everywhere. It would have gnawed at my tire like a crocodile on a water buffalo.

And what would that thing have done to me, particularly my shins, had I not been inside the car? More importantly, had I been outside the car, would it have chased me around? Most importantly, if I had been outside the car and it chased me around, would I have screamed like a little girl? How emasculating would that have been?! The thought of that scenario makes me want to breathe in a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating!

Why was this goose so angry? Rough childhood? Dysfunctional family upbringing? Teased a lot at school? Always given "hand me downs", never bought anything new? Turned down one too many times by the ladies of the gaggle? Not allowed seconds at the dinner table? Full moon? I didn't really know about that one because this traumatizing incident happened in broad daylight. Definitely couldn't have been "little man syndrome" because this honker was huge! This goose most assuredly needed anger management classes and a support group!

What did I do? Absolutely nothing! I just sat there wishing my personal nurse was with me taking my blood pressure and heart rate to ensure my pulmonary muscle wasn't going to explode out of my chest! And as soon as that thought entered and cleared my mind, the pounding quit and it got eerily quiet. I crushed my face as hard as I could against the side window and looked down to see what the waddler was up to. Imagine my relief when all I saw was its rear end waddling away from my car. Had it arms instead of wings, it would have been beating its chest as it left; maybe with a few marine grunts thrown in for emphasis.

I waited until it was well out of view and then proceeded out of the car to assess the destruction. Surprisingly the damage was minimal. The hubcap was covered in goose spit mixed with half eaten berries and pieces of underwater plant life. My hubcap survived the ruthless beating and gave new meaning to the phrase, "Ford Tough"......I drive a Taurus.

So much for tranquil beauty and peaceful planning. I started my quivering vehicle and drove off. It was time to move on anyway.....So tell me.....how was your day?

I usually try to envision some kind of anecdote to go along with what I write and the only thing I can come up with here is: Never park your car near an angry goose.

(This might make acceptable copy if it were word for word totally true, but there may have been an embellishment or two added....however, I have hopes to get it published in Liar's Monthly)

Sucker for a Sappy Love Song

I love music. I have always loved music....love to listen to it and love to sing it; whether it be to the radio, in the shower, or behind a microphone at church or karaoke. Karaoke is cool because you can sing a rock song and be popular for about five minutes....if you sing on key.

I listen to many genres of music: pop, rock, christian.....which today has every other category of music just with the word christian in front of it; but I am not sure about christian classical?....., blues, classical, R&B, country....well, I think I have one country cd in my collection and listened to it once just so I can say I listen to country...., and JAZZ...the music of cool. Jazz music is sophisticated...the kind of music you read to, write to, wear a cardigan with and smoke a pipe to....jazz expresses what cool is....you may disagree but then you would be wrong.

But one type of song (in any genre) I have always been a sucker for is a sappy love song. They conjure up the gamut of emotions that often accompany being in love with someone. If you are happy in your relationship you might listen to Jason Mraz sing "Lucky", if you are sad you may listen to Toni Braxton sing "Another Sad Love Song". Just broke up with someone? Phil Collins' "Separate Lives" or Chicago's "Look Away" will make you cry. At whatever stage you are in your relationship with your significant other you can find a love song that relates. And somehow that song in that moment has powerful meaning; almost a life of its own.

I wonder if Jesus were here today would he listen to the radio? I think he would be a music lover. If his first love, the church, is going to be his bride in heaven, would that make the church his fiance while here on earth? I don't doubt that the church has put him through the myriad of emotions that love puts us through. She has been poignant, uplifting to many, used as an instrument of hope and love, and yet; has also been divided, has erred in faithfulness, and has put undue chains on people trying to break free from chains they already carry.

So perhaps there are songs he would hear that would touch him regarding his first love. Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" or Lionel Richie's "Endless Love" would remind him of his commitment to her. Should she ever feel abandoned, Lady Antebellum's "Never Alone" would underscore his promise to be constantly present with her. When she questions her commitment to him, he might get emotional when he hears Anita Baker's "You Belong to Me" or Sade's "Nothing Can Come Between Us".

When he hears The Fray sing "She Is" he taps his thumb to the beat against the steering wheel, smiles, and thinks how he can't wait to make her his bride....

When he hears Hootie and the Blowfish sing "Let Her Cry" , he remembers when she has stumbled and fallen; yet, he still loves her. He hears Casting Crowns sing "Somewhere in the Middle" and thinks of when she is complacent. Foolish Things sing "Find Your Way Back" or Building 429 sings " The Space In Between Us"and he ponders on all the times she has strayed from him. When Big Daddy Weave sings Rich Mullins' "Hold Me Jesus"...he just wants to wrap his arms around her again and again and again.....my, my how Jesus is so in love with his bride to be!

For all her faults, imperfections, triumphs, and failures he is head over heels in love with her and perhaps music would remind him of that just as music moves most of us emotionally.

Then.... he finds a jazz station.....no words, just music.....but it touches him the most in thinking of his love. Why? you may ask.... Simply because of the way jazz is built. Jazz is but a simple melodious tune played over and over in all kinds of variations. If you stacked one variation of the original tune on top of another, the song would have no ending.....it would just keep playing. It gives him repose to think of all the things his forthcoming bride is to him....he loved her enough to die for her....she has tested him over and over and yet his love for her never stops....just like an endless jazz tune....

At the end of the day he talks with his Father....I can almost hear him quietly whisper, "Dad, I know you have the time appointed for us to wed. No pressure....but I am so in love with her....make it soon Dad, please make it soon.....I am in a hurry"....

Random Thoughts About Anything, About Nothing

I heard a long time ago, and it recently was reiterated, that if you want to be a writer you need to practice your craft every day. Well, believe it or not, I aspire to be a writer; so in pursuit of that dream I am constantly thinking about stuff to write. Sometimes an idea gets stuck in my head and goes nowhere and serves no purpose except to give me a headache or kill off another brain cell which, truthfully, I can't afford to lose at my age. So this post is more for the purposes of eliminating the excess leftover junk in my brain so I can move on.....maybe some of it will be worth reading.....or not.

Success
I recently heard an author speak on his newest book. He was pleasently self-deprecating, almost comedic. It was endearing and made him human. Then I thought: It's easy to be self-deprecating when you're successful. Being self-deprecating when you are not successful may just be the sad, sad truth.

Money
My very best friend and I often have conversations about money..it's place, it's purpose, the corruption often tied with it, and the impossibility of living without it. These conversations are stimulating to me, perhaps because we come from two ends of the slide rule in terms of financial stability and yet have simular views on the need and usage of the green stuff.
It seems to me that anytime Jesus was around a rich person he was telling them to go sell their stuff and give the money to the poor and walk with him. He also pointed out the difference between giving out of our excess and out of our need. I don't think he was opposed to money. I think he was getting at a heart attachment, an attitude. He himself said that where our treasure is, that is where we would find our heart.
I have dear friends who believe that if they are not rolling in the dough they somehow are not living it right as far as Jesus is concerned. After all doesn't the abundant life involve a healthy checking account? I get confused with this thinking because everywhere I see Jesus himself talking about money, it's in terms of giving it away not accquiring it.
I often think if I had alot of money, I wouldn't have alot of money because I would give it all away. I think this is a noble and good thought and it is easy to say when you don't have alot of money. If I actually had alot of money would I really be that generous? I like to think I would be, but that won't be known until I cross the bridge of wealth.....so far I haven't truly been tested in that area.
I stick with the heart attachment thing. Not a sin to be rich or poor, may be a sin to be so money driven or anything else driven that one has no place for God in their life. This is what I think Jesus was trying to teach. Lastly, I don't think Jesus would have made a very good accountant.

Jesus and Politics
I know people who actually believe that if Jesus were here today and a part of the American voting public, he would be Republican right down the line. Putting "Jesus" and the "American voting public" in the same sentence makes me a touch uncomfortable; add the word Republican and I start to shake and I am a Republican.
I am not sure Jesus would be affiliated with any political party. If I were Jesus, I would have an aversion to politics anyway.....wasn't it really politics that got him crucified? I don't think Jesus would be concerned with any party agenda either. If he did vote for anything, he would probably write in on the ballot everything he voted for. I think this because he knows everything and he knows we don't know what we need. He would write in the right things that need to be voted for because he knows exactly what we need.
This would disappoint many on the righteous right and he would probably be labeled a flaming liberal.

Christianity vs. Spirituality
I am not very good at following rules. I try to follow but I either misread or misunderstand them and eventually fall short. Alot of people of faith that I know seem to see their testimony wrapped up in how well they follow all the rules. Christianity is a series of codes and ethics and as long as they are adhered to, they are right with God and Jesus loves them. The problem I have with that is I don't think following any rule is what makes us righteous before God...I am pretty sure that being righteous centers on Jesus in us....period. The old saying, "Rules were made to be broken", is true. All rules do is point out the impossibility of following them to the letter.
Sometimes I think when the world sees Christianity they see a series of rules. I am sure what they need to see is Jesus. Being spiritual to me means showing the face of Jesus to the world, not proving I can follow rules. People need Jesus, not another list of "do's" and "don't's".
My sister went to a christian concert and told me the lead guy made a statement something like this: "The world doesn't mind when a christian sins, the world minds when a christian sins but doesn't think he does." Holier than thou and self-righteousness seem to get caught up alot in christianity, therefore; I would rather just be human, honest with my shortcomings, and testify that Jesus, for all my faults, still likes me and that he loves the rest of the world just the same. To me, this is showing the world the face of Jesus.

Thanks for letting me clear out the cobwebs in the recesses of my mind. Now there is room for more clutter.....

Crazy Love...

There is absolutely nothing more invigorating, more exciting, more affirming, or more rejuvenating in life than being in love. I am not talking about a love where "I Love You" is whispered, kept quiet and private....I am talking about a full blown shout it from the mountaintop kind of love that gets the attention of the whole world, with random acts of PDA to go with it....an ecstatic love, a bold love, a loud love......a crazy love.....the kind you want to experience every day, the kind you want everyone around you to know about and, truth be known, perhaps be even a touch envious of. Yes, we do have a tendency to rub it in a little when we've got the groovy kind of love I am speaking of. This kind of love isn't just for the young either; everyone of every age group desires to be loved like this... I am sure of it.
Even those of us "real men" who wince painfully when our ladies want to see the latest romantic "chick flick" comedy, usually sit back and at some point during the film say to ourselves, "yea, I want to love and be loved like that." We all want it....a crazy love...the one kind of love that defies definition, that goes against any grain of logic, that is understood more clearly by demonstration than by explanation.
Sadly, many in this life never ever experience a love like this. Oh, the love in the beginning of the relationship may look a little crazy but life happens and the first thing to wane under the stress of circumstances is the fairy tale we all hoped would outlast life itself. Next, the virus of disillusionment sets in and things never seem quite the same. Crazy love becomes downgraded to something "less than" and for most, a reluctant surrender is made to the fact that crazy love is gone... never to show up again. So we settle and make peace with having a love no different than anyone else and yet, we miss the crazy love we once knew....and life goes on anyway.
I can't answer the question of a lasting crazy love when it comes to humans because, well.... we're human. Being human means being flawed and being flawed means sometimes falling short of even those things we desire to attain that are good and worth chasing after. This is simply the consequence of our humanity. However I do know of a crazy love that transcends our human condition...
...."But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." -Rom.5:8 NLT
God has a crazy love...just think about it for a moment. We (his human creation) are selfish, we love control, and on our own we don't have the inclination to do the right thing because it is much easier to do what is natural...which is the wrong thing. All of these things came to play in the ruination of the garden of Eden and our place in right standing with God. We rebelliously separated ourselves from the crazy love of God.
Knowing all that.... God still pursued us, wooed us, sent us flowers and candy, and compelled us to turn to him again. We remained the object of his desire regardless of all we had done to destroy this union with him. I have pondered on this through my years and have sometimes wondered if his is a crazy love or just plain crazy. Most of us, when we get burned, have an inclination to insure we don't ever get burned again....but God keeps coming back again and again and again.....why?
Because he is crazy head over heels in love with us. His love for us is great ( I usually replace this word in the verse with crazy), boundless, far-reaching, endless, and rock solid. He looks beyond our fraility and our sin, he peers into our deepest parts and sees the emptiness that only his love can fill. He does not want us to be lacking so he demonstrates his love toward us, shouts his love for us from the mountaintop by giving the apple of his eye to us. His crowning jewel becomes our possession so we might in turn become his. We are his pearl of great price and he pays dearly, sparing nothing. We don't deserve it, can't earn it, and are too bankrupt to buy it. All we can do is freely receive it in the manner it is freely given......and it is given freely because of this crazy love of God. Go ahead and try to explain that....you can't. It just is.
Desire crazy love in your life? Turn to him because he truly does..... love you like crazy....

The Gaze of God

"Then Andrew brought Simon to meet Jesus. Looking intently at Simon, Jesus said,"Your name is Simon son of John-but you will be called Cephas (which means Peter)."

-John 1:42 NLT

I love Peter! He is probably known as much, if not more, for his failures than he is for his successes. I identify with Peter in that way. If I were to write a book about my life and I divided it in two sections (section one being my failures and section two being my successes), I have often thought section one would be thicker than section two.

Andrew brought his brother Simon to Jesus. Isn't that awesome? Andrew met Jesus and after that meeting his first thought was his brother. He wanted his brother to meet Jesus too. We meet Jesus and that's what happens, we want others to meet him too, especially those close to us.

Jesus......"looking intently at Simon".....that phrase got me to thinking about some things:

a. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and know his every thought.

b. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and see his life from beginning to end.

c. Jesus, being God, can look on any man and see the blackness or light in his heart and soul.

Looking at Peter, Jesus saw every impulsive moment, heard every awkward word, knew every act of cowardice and every failure. Jesus saw Peter return to the nets after his death. Jesus could hear Peter's words of denial before they were spoken, he could hear them before they even entered into Peter's mind to speak. Jesus saw Peter bitterly weeping over his lack of faith and his inability to make a stand when he said he would. Jesus saw all of that when he looked "intently at Simon"....yet, he called him to be his disciple anyway. His love for Peter was immediate and eternal. His love was bigger than all of Peter's failures; past, present, and future. Jesus also saw the mighty way Peter would rise up and lead the early church to solid ministry after Jesus' return to glory.

When Jesus looked at my life, He saw beginning to end. He saw all my failures, He saw my battle with alcohol, He saw my failed relationships, He saw my financial struggles, He saw my hopelessness and my guilt.......yet, He called me to be His disciple anyway. His love for me was immediate and eternal. He also saw me coming back home to Him and being in a place where He could use me again. For all that He has seen in me, He has never let go...He has always believed....and He continues on with me in my walk with Him.

Perhaps today you are in that spot where you have just about given up. Your hurts, hang-ups, and habits have a choke hold around your neck and you see no way out. Stand firm and grasp tightly to the hand of Jesus, your deliverance is near. Don't let go and don't give up. Your breakthrough is just around the corner. He sees your life from start to finish...He has it under control....lay it all before Him and let Him do His work in you. The possibilities are limitless.

Coming Home

"So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him."
-Lk. 15:20 NLT

For me, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture. Oh, I have a lot of favorites but this one has very special meaning. I have lived this verse, I have experienced first hand and I know it is so very true. My post today is going to be more revealing and intimate personally than posts prior. Bear with me, it needs telling....

I am a believer who struggles with alcohol. I didn't start out with that struggle but through adverse circumstances, alcohol became a regular part of my life for several years. Rather than choose to turn to the God who loves me and comforts me in difficult times, I chose instead the comfort of a drunken state. Alcohol numbed me to what I thought was the worthlessness of my life. I didn't deserve a father's love because I was a failure. I never reached any goal I had ever set for myself and I could hear the "whispers" of what I thought were criticisms and disgust from friends and family behind my back. I felt useless and just wanted to self-destruct. I thought my life was over. I was just a heart beating in a shell of a man with absolutely no purpose, no future, and no hope. The kicker: I was a child of God.

The more I drank, the more jobs I lost, the more traffic records I acquired, strained relationships, frustrated family members, hurt after hurt after hurt....just an endless cycle of despair, shame, and guilt. I was in the pig pen fighting the hogs for husks to eat. The problem is at the time I didn't see where I was very clearly. I was too proud to admit I needed help, too ashamed to lean on anyone else, and so miserable...that happiness was something I thought would never be experienced in my life....I was a man without hope.

One morning I woke to find myself handcuffed to a metal bench in the psych ward of a Texas panhandle hospital. A counselor was going to determine if I needed to be admitted and forced into rehab. There was something different about him....he was a child of God. I poured my life's story out to him, my dreams, my goals, my hopes, my failures, my shame, my guilt,....to the point that after I finished talking and crying, I felt just empty of all the junk I had been carrying. He told the police to take me home after we prayed together. It was that day I decided to get out of the pig pen and make my journey home.

The journey was very long, it wasn't my last bout with alcohol but I was on the way. There were friends and family along the way who helped and with each step toward home a chain here and there would drop. There were times along the way I would think I couldn't make it, how would I be received when I got there, what about all the debris I created of my life and in the lives of those I hurt...I was still filled with fear but I was still walking toward home. I started reading the word again, going to celebrate recovery meetings, praying, attending church, getting involved in the lives of other hurting people, and I was healing....

Then my Father, who was waiting and watching on the front porch saw me coming and before I could get there....I saw Him running to me. There was no whip in his hand, only arms outstretched....and when He got to me, He took me into His powerful and loving embrace and kissed me.....how powerful the act of forgiveness is and how cleansing! Yes, this is the sweetest verse in all of scripture.

I am grateful for a mom and dad who always believed, for brothers and a sister who never stopped praying, for a son and daughter who never gave up on me, and for dear friends who, when I stumbled, helped me get back up. Make no mistake I still struggle, I still stumble but I am home surrounded with a host of help. Praise God.

People often ask me why I get so emotional when I share my story and I always respond: "Because I know the places I've been, the things I've done, and the people I've hurt and He has forgiven me anyway." How great and endless is His mercy! How vast is the sea of His forgiveness! How high and how deep is His compassion!

If you are in the pig pen today fighting for husks to eat, come home.....the calf is fattened, the robe is pressed, the rings are polished and there are a host of people and a loving Father waiting for you. Come home today....

A World Without Compassion

In Luke chapter 7, Luke records that as Jesus and his diciples were passing through the village of Nain, they came upon a funeral procession. A boy had died, the only son of a poor widow. Luke writes that when Jesus saw this....."his heart overflowed with compassion". He looked at the woman and said,"Don't cry."; then walked over and raised the boy from the dead and returned him to his mother. -Lk. 7:11-15

I walk out the door of my apartment every day and there are many whom I greet before even getting to my car. Very seldom do I think in ways of compassion toward them. Jesus' compassion for others was a driving force of his ministry. I am so caught in what I have to do, I fail to think of how God might use me to compassionately minister even to the stranger next door. Isn't it sad that I would have to use...."stranger" and "next door" in the same sentence?

We all were built, formed, with a need to be loved and to love, a need to relate to others. Can you imagine for a moment if our world was void of compassion? Who would man our hospitals, who would forge a path to feed the hungry, or house the homeless? Who would fight for those who are simply helpless to help themselves?

What would a lack of compassion be like in your corner of the world? No one to care for you when you were sick, to comfort you when you were grieving, to encourage you when you were down? How sad it would be to live in such a world.

God made us to relate to others just as he made us to relate to him. It is necessary for our well being. It goes against the nature of our need when we choose to go it alone. When we go against that grain we are people most miserable. We are most alive when we care for others and we act on that concern. Being involved in the lives of others is one primary reason our lives have purpose and meaning.

Many in my life I love dearly, many that I love I have failed......for years living as if I was the only one who existed. But praise God regardless of the past, every day can be a new beginning. I am praying and asking him for the gift of a compassionate heart....so filled that when I see a person in need, that compassion overflows out of me just as it did out of Jesus.

How is it with you? Need to pray that same prayer? Know anyone around you that needs to be shown some compassion. For us in recovery, expressing compassion to others is a powerful weapon against the selfishness we often fight. I support you in making your world a world filled with compassion.

My Heart Condition

I have a heart condition. It was diagnosed almost immediately at birth and I have lived with it for all my 50 years of life. Sometimes it has affected me so strongly that it has been crippling. The results of the pain created by this condition has been unbearable at times. There have been times when I saw no hope for healing and as a result suffered from severe depression and discouragement.

This heart condition has affected those around me as well. Family and friends at times have been at a loss as to what to do for me. They feel the sting of my pain simply because they love me, yet; all they can do is watch silently and sadly. They know they are helpless in helping me.

I am in need of a miracle. In fact a miracle and nothing shy of a miracle is my only hope. Where do I go? The Mayo Clinic? No, but I do need a physician, someone who understands my condition much better than I ever could. Where do I find such a Dr.? Where do I find this Great Specialist?
The heart condition I speak of is first of all spiritual. If it was physical, believe me, I would spare no expense in finding the best specialist to address my physical need. When I became aware of my spiritual heart condition at the age of 17 I turned to the ONLY Specialist who could help.....Jesus Christ. Inviting him into my live changed my heart, when he became saviour and lord.....my want to's changed. My self -destructive attitudes transformed into attitudes toward others.

I still am in need of his constant care. I have to call on him all the time and it seems I constantly go to him for check-ups. I still have a tendency to fall down, to self-destruct, to do the wrong thing. But it's ok, because this weakness I live with keeps me in constant contact with my Dr. and I am getting to know him better and better all the time. I like that. I realize that if I could do it all myself I never would have gotten to know this wonderful Physician, I would never had known my condition and my need for him.

According to the Bible, you, like me, have a heart condition....why not give your heart to the only Dr. who can help. Give your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ today. The first and most important step of recovery.

"Then Jesus called to the crowd to come and hear, 'All of you listen,' he said, 'and try to understand. It's not what goes into your body that defiles you, you are defiled by what comes out of your heart'.........for from within, out of a person's heart, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, wickedness, deceit, lustful desires, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these vile things come from within, they are what defile you."
-Mk. 7:14,15,20-23 NLT

We All Fall Down

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble......three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken." Ecc. 4:9,10,12b NLT


I am a fallen man with a fallen nature. I have a natural tendency to do the wrong things. A holy lifestyle for me almost has to be planned out in my Daytimer or I will forget who I am and end up where I don't want to be. This is especially true when I try to go it alone. When I get to thinking I've got the bull by the horns and I am good and not in need of anyone....I am one dangerous slip away from getting gored by the bull I have hold of.

At the darkest times of my life, when I was in my most hopeless state.... I realize looking back that I was alone. I wasn't alone because I had friends who didn't care. I wasn't alone because I had family who didn't care. I was alone by choice...."bravely" going it alone. Whatever my reasons for not getting help: pride, shame, embarassment; I lived in the shadows and darkness of my pain...... alone.

I am learning how debilitating it is to go it alone....God never intended it that way. I praise God for His constant presence in my life, whether I am in the darkness of my habit or in the light of His love.....He is always with me.

I cried out for help this week, I was struggling and I wasn't in a good place.....I turned to a friend, as difficult as that was; I knew I couldn't deal with my struggle alone. I praise God for friends and family who have willingly reached into the dirt of my life in effort to see me cleansed and whole. And as I write I weep with gratitude. I am thankful for a God who loves me no matter what and who is always present. I have a long way to go. I still fall down. Other than our Lord Jesus, show me someone who doesn't fall down.Thank God for those who are there to help us up when we do.

Two are better than one...there is always that one to encourage you. If you are alone and discouraged who's going to help you along? You gonna encourage yourself? Usually that doesn't work because you end up talking to yourself and when others see that, they think you're crazy.... ok..... a little humor....but the point is made.

How is it with you? Still "bravely" going it alone? This world seems to admire those who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. But, honestly, the truly brave thing is to open up to a friend or family member who knows you, loves you, and will do what is necessary to help you. And by the way.....all those "self-made" people out there.....have hurts, hang-ups, and habits they need recovery from as well. Come out of the shadows and face your giants in the open and know you don't have to do it alone.

The Atrocity of Appearances

"Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness." -Matt. 23:28 NLT

We live in a day where appearances are everything. We spend hundreds, even thousands annually in keeping our washboard abs, our french nails, and "20-something" looking skin well into our 50's. The right hairstyle, smile, handshake, and suit does more to close a business deal today than the business plan itself. Meet a group of people for the first time and after you leave they will probably talk about how you looked more than anything else.

Matthew 23:28 finds Jesus in the middle of a sharp discourse of reprimand toward the religious leaders of his day. He cried out against their need for attention and honor. He called them righteous looking hypocrites...and he did so over and over.

You can almost see the disgust on his face and hear the comtempt in his voice. He was pointing out the atrocity of appearances....he was pointing out that these "religious" leaders were missing the point altogether....and leading others astray with them.

Look in our churches today, most are filled with what look like righteous people. I wonder though how some of those "righteous" people fair behind the closed doors of their homes after church.....Does neglected Dad retire to the bedroom with a bottle of vodka (his only true friend) to watch a ball game alone? Does self-centered Mom rush to the mall after lunch to grab those shoes she's just got to have?....has to have them so bad in fact she uses grocery money to acquire them.....and what of unloved teenage Sam? Does he sneek to his room to view the latest porn downloads?.....

Oh my.....time for evening services,.. already?! Back to church, back to looking like righteous people......Everywhere you go you will find people who hurt;... they need help, they need mercy, they need hope....some of them sit next to you in church and look like righteous people.....

Why does Jesus cry out against appearances?....Because he knows appearances kill those for whom he died. It is no different today...

Do You Really Hear Me?

I cry out for help - none is offered.

I beg for peace - I feel only turmoil.

I desire to be clean - I see only dirt.

I want deliverance - I hear the chains rattle.

How did I get here? Wasn't my life blessed, charmed? Wasn't I the one most likely to succeed? Wasn't I the one everyone wanted to be?

Failure, disappointment, hurt, addiction, betrayal, loneliness, torment, faithlessness....are all words and experiences interwoven into the fabric of my life. It seems I'll never again know what it means to be happy, joyful. It appears that the remainder of my life is destined to be littered with losses.

I am encouraged to turn my life and will over to One who is constantly present. At times He seems to be deaf to my cries for help and callous to my tears. God do You really hear me? God, do You truly desire better for me than what I have settled for? Can you save me from this pit I have fallen in?

I hear of those who have courageously praised Him and trusted Him even in the pit. I desire a faith like that. Some need a tough love, others a tough faith....I am in need of both.

Regardless, I will NOT QUIT, I will not run. He is my only hope. I will trust whether He hears or not! I have nowhere else to go....


Written when my faith was as thin as a frayed piece of thread and about as strong.....God is faithful and ever present no matter what our situation and no matter whether we think He hears or not. Keep fighting, keep hoping, keep trusting, and keep praising....the storm makes you stronger and for all your experiences, good or bad, God never wastes them.....Rom.8:28

Being Me - Becoming Myself

Reading from the Psalms comforts me because the writers of the book wrote honestly about how they felt. They were honest with themselves and with God. In many cases their prayers were more like complaints than anything else. Their honesty shines through however. I am learning to be honest.

Open confession is healthy; it cleanses the heart and the spirit. I had difficulty with it because I worried what someone may think. Worrying what others think of me is how I got here to start with....well, it is one of the reasons anyway. There is going to be inner conflict and turmoil anytime an imperfect person (such as myself) dawns the mask of perfection.

God is teaching me to confront my imperfections and short-comings with brutal honesty. This is a hard lesson but I am making progress. It is simply a "one day at a time process" like everything else in my life. I am ok with that.

"Being me" involved the mask wearing. I didn't want anyone to see the real Richard, I didn't even know who that was. I wore one mask after another; so much so I lost any hope of becoming the real person God designed me to be.

How did the transformation start? Time, patience, and faith...taking a ruthless look at myself in the mirror every day and seeing the work needing to still be done.....and doing it! The process of "becoming myself" involved throwing away the masks and learning to see the same things in myself that God says about me. The bible says he loved me so much he sent his son to die for me that I might have life, everlasting and abundant. How liberating that is!

Today I am not so concerned with whether others will approve of me or not....I am confident God does. Becoming the fulfillment of his design for my life is what matters. I hate cliches' but it is true, God doesn't make mistakes...and he doesn't make junk either! I am simply a diamond in the rough!...and as noted in an earlier post.....I press on.


"Now, with God's help, I shall become myself." -Soren Kierkegaard

Fear?!

"How fully can you surrender and not be afraid?"-Frank Laubach

To the degree fear sets in determines the degree of surrender to our Lord; yet, isn't partial surrender really no surrender at all? But fear IS the factor...in my life anyway. I want to fully surrender but fear sets in and I pull back...then I wonder...fear of what?....of being used mightily of the Lord?....fear of being selfless?...fear of not being my own man?...fear of a joyful heart, a compassionate heart?.....and then I identify the fear....it is fear of not being in control.
Ah, there's the rub....you see, I want to serve God but I want to serve Him my way. I want to be used of God, but only in the things I want to do...and I truly don't want to be totally selfless because my ego needs to feast on the food of recognition for the things I have done in Jesus' Name.
My fear of losing control hinders complete surrender, at minimum makes it difficult.
That I would learn and choose to live in total abandon of self, that Christ might live big in me is my one great prayer, my one great pursuit.
I have been chasing this my whole life, pressing toward it and it is ever before me...still. So for me it is bite sized portions instead of a full meal and baby steps instead of great strides.
My prayer is reduced to this: Father, help me this day turn complete control of my life over to you. In Jesus'Name.....and perhaps that little prayer is much bigger than it seems...at any rate, I keep pressing on.

Forgiven

The first step in recovery of any kind is saying we need recovery, we need help. I remember the old Saturday Night Live show...you know the original members? Chevy Chase would say, "Hi, I am Chevy Chase, and you're not!"
Those of us in real recovery would never deny God being who He is...yet, we love to play Him don't we?....Playing God allows us to cover our fears....no one has to know who we really are as long as we call the shots...we think we can play God better than He can be God. It would be a revelation if we heard Him actually say, "Hi, I am God, and you're not"...in fact for many of us that would be a relief...... but instead we press ahead making the same old mistakes....God watching...and the mistakes we make lead us to the mess of our lives.
Wow....we end up doing the same old things, make the same old mistakes, and people get hurt just like before and we wonder why.
This blog is about getting honest with ourselves and God....I am going to tell my story....some out of my journal....thoughts about recovery...thoughts about God...thoughts about life...thoughts about relationships....and just thoughts in general about living....it may not get you sober...but it did me....and I hope my candor will help you take even a first step toward healing.
If you want to listen, then do so....if you don't...then this blog is not for you.
It is from a biblical and spiritual nature....I didn't get sober without God...hence, the addiction to Grace....I will speak to that along the way....just sit back and read..... it is unashamedly biblical....so the Bible will be quoted much.....with no apology....
My demon has been alcohol....to be sure....but we all are in recovery from something.....sin in general....so whatever your"demon"....perhaps you will find hope here. In Jesus' name all demons are defeated....so let's go to war together! I stand with you in your battle and will fight with you!!

Getting Better.....

I am new to this blogging thing, but I do have something to say....I hope you will overlook my lack of IT experience and see through to my heart. I AM an addict to Grace....the Grace of God. That is because I am in recovery from being addicted to alcohol.....You might wonder how I could be both....Alcohol gave me "privilege" to be or do anything I wanted to do...God's grace covered me, and still does, from my stupidity and also from the judgment of others (which wasn't necessarily unjustified).
I hurt people, I hurt myself, I hurt my family, I lost jobs, I lost friends.... I made bad choices both under the influence and as a result of alcohol.....I have paid dearly...physically, spiritually, emotionally....and worse......but don't think this blog is about crying, it's about getting back up and fighting to overcome.....it's about winning after you have lost everything...and I am not talking about things....I am talking about regaining on the inside what your "ailment" has cost you.
You know, my "ailment" was alcohol...maybe yours is anger, verbal abuse, gossip, sex, co-dependency, unforgiveness, bitterness, self-reliance, judgmental spirit, hypocricy, or whatever....here's the bottom line....
We all are in recovery for something...in other words we all need deliverence from something...recovery from that one thing that keeps us from experiencing the abundant life we all were promised from God.....
Alas, we blamed Him for falling short too, didn't we. He let us down....He didn't follow through...or follow up....He went to sleep when He should have stayed awake and because of that we fell down.....SHAME ON GOD....and the truth is, He didn't have a thing to do with it. Inside we know that...we just need someone to blame...just so we can sleep at night.
I don't know where this blog is headed, but one thing I do know....God isn't at fault, He is the answer....and His overwhelming grace gives us time and opportunity to make adjustments, confessions, and corrections in our lives that lead to healthy and holy living. Thank God for new beginnings....and that happens the moment we turn back to Him. I am 50! and I am beginning all over again...and what an adventure...yes, there are still amends to make and relationships to re-build...but what an adventure...know why? The overwhelming presence of God....when you get on His path, you can't see anything else but Him...the more you see Him, the more you want Him and all else has a way of falling in to place where it is supposed to...
I will share openly my journey with you...some of you may not want to be my friends after hearing me....that's ok...you will still be mine.
If you know someone who has an addiction of any kind....show them this....I will be non-threatening, and will try to just be honest. I will take a hard look at me too...and I am sure as a result will become more....Addicted to GRACE
Thanks for reading....I will post more as I am led... hope you will stay in touch.
Richard